Funny Top Ten Lists

UPDATE: 9/9/07

AUNTIE LISTS NOW AVAILABLE THROUGH AMAZON.COM! CHECK IT OUT NOW!

JUST ONE CLICK FOR YOUR VERY OWN COPY!

OKAY, THAT'S IT!

WHY ARE THE POLICE HERE?!

VIN DOCTOR

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ORDER THE AUNTIE LISTS!!!

FRIENDS, SWITCH-HITTING HOOKERS, AND LAWSUIT-FILING ASSHOLES! WISH YOU FOR YOUR VERY OWN COPY OF "THE AUNTIE LISTS #1?" THEN FOLLOW THIS LINK TO THE GOLDEN GLOW:

http://www.bbotw.com/description.asp?ISBN=0-7414-4183-7

ORDER NOW! ORDER OFTEN! BUT ORDER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! SUPPLIES ARE RUNNING LOW! (NOT AN ACTUAL FACT)

TELL A FRIEND!

TELL AN ENEMY!

TELLY SAVALAS!

TELL THAT FUCK TO GET OFF THE COUCH, GET A JOB, AND GET....

THE AUNTIE LISTS!!!

YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

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POSTED FOR: SUNDAY, AUGUST 12TH, 2007

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TO THE FOLLOWERS AND THE CURIOUS:

Friends, Romans, countrymen....Oh, fuck! I'll just say it! The Auntie lists book #1 is complete, has been released, and is ready for sale!!!!! Yes, be the first on your cock...I mean, first on your block to own a genuine copy of the very first Auntie lists book! Better than the Simpsons Movie, and I won't ask you to Doctorize yourself through a Burger King commercial! Yes, own the sweet little book that will start it all!!! And in honor of this blessed occasion, a NEW Auntie list will be posted every single day this week, from Monday the 13th to Friday the 17th! You know, NEW! Christ, you're excited! So go out, and spread the word! Tell your family, friends, gay lovers and secret animal life partners! Let them know, make them go! Spread the word! NOW! NOW! NOW!

Your Blessed Messiah,

Vin Doctor

P.S. Be sure to check the site next week for additional book ordering info, as that will be posted directly.

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POSTED: 5/30/07 (THAT'S MARCH 33RD, 1988 TO ALL YOU DUMB FUCKS)

TO MY LOYAL FANS OR TO THE ONE GUY WHO KEEPS VISITING:

SORRY FOR THE LACK OF AUNTIE LISTS THE PAST FEW WEEKS. I'M BUSY WITH THE PUBLICATION PROCESS OF THE VERY FIRST "AUNTIE LISTS" PAPERBACK BOOK, WHICH, IF I DON'T FUCK UP, WILL BE RELEASED THIS FALL! (HOLY SHIT, HUH? WHO CARES? NOT YOU, OR HER!) ANYWAY, THE AUNTIE LISTS WILL RETURN AFTER THE WRINKLES HAVE BEEN IRONED OUT, SO HOLD ON UNTIL THEN AND I PROMISE I'LL LET YOU DOWN.

THIS IS VIN DOCTOR, YOUR LEADER, SIGNING OFF INTO OBLIVION.

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!.....

PLEASE FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY EXCLUSIVE TV INTERVIEW WITH THREE BIG-WIGS OF AMERICAN TELEVISION AND JOURNALISM!!!

INTERVIEW DATE: SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

PERSON BEING INTERVIEWED: VIN DOCTOR, TO BE REFERRED TO HEREAFTER AS "THE BOSS-MAN"

INTERVIEWERS: THREE GIANTS OF OUR TIME: TOM BROKE-OFF (SHOWN AS "TB"), TED COCKELL (SHOWN AS "TC"), AND BARBARA SWELTERS (SHOWN AS "BS" or "KKK" or "666")

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TB: "MR. DOCTOR, YOU'RE FAMOUS. WORLD-FAMOUS. THE WORK YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED IS PROBABLY....NO, IT IS DEFINITELY THE MOST IMPORTANT STUFF TO HAPPEN IN THE LAST 56,000 YEARS. TELL US, AND THE TRILLIONS WATCHING AT HOME: HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

BOSS-MAN: "WELL, TIM, I'M A GOD, AND THE MINUTE YOU SAW ME YOU REALIZED THAT. I'M THE BEST FUCKER ON THE PLANET, AND THAT'S IT."

TC: "VIN, LET'S DIG A LITTLE DEEPER INTO YOUR AMAZING LIVES. TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD."

BOSS-MAN: "WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT YOU COULD CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME, YOU SUCKHOUND?!"

BS: "MR. DOCTOR BOSS-MAN, WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOUR WRITING THAT GETS PEOPLE EXCITED?"

BOSS-MAN: "WHAT? I WASN'T LISTENING. SPEAK UP NEXT TIME, BITCH."

TC: "MR. DOCTOR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCUSS THE AUNTIE LISTS?"

BOSS-MAN: "NOT MUCH TO SAY, REALLY. GENIUS ON TOP OF GENIUS. SPEAKING OF BEING ON TOP, I'D LIKE TO BE ON TOP OF JESSICA ALBA."

TB: "DOCTOR, MY LORD, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE SO MANY FANS WORSHIPPING YOU?"

BOSS-MAN: "LOOK, I WASN'T GOING TO TELL THIS STORY, BUT FUCK IT. ONE TIME, I WAS AT A WAKE, AND THE POOR GUY'S FATHER HAD DIED AND ALL, AND, WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN TO, BUT I STARED AT THE TITS OF HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY WERE VERY GOOD TITS. ALL OF THIS IS TRUE."

666: "MIND IF I DO YOU ALL NIGHT?"

BOSS-MAN: "JEEZ, I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE PRETTY REALLY FUCKIN' OLD. GO BUY ME A FRESHER CHICK INSTEAD."

TC: "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND RE-NAME ALL MY KIDS AFTER YOU!"

BOSS-MAN: "OKAY, BUT I GET ROYALTIES. I MEAN, THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF FUCKIN' GAME."

TB: "HOW MUCH CAN YOU BENCH-PRESS?"

BOSS-MAN: "HIGHER THAN ANYONE CAN COUNT EVER."

KKK: "HOW MANY GIRLFRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?"

BOSS-MAN: "MOST OF THEY HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN BORN YET, BUT, I'D SAY ABOUT A BILLION."

TC: "I HEARD THAT THEY OFFERED YOU BOTH THE PULITZER AND NOBEL PRIZES FOR LIFE, AND THAT YOU TURNED THEM BOTH DOWN. MAY I ASK WHY, MASTER?"

BOSS-MAN: "IT'S SIMPLE, REALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THOSE ARE."

666: "WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF INDIANA?"

BOSS-MAN: "NO...I DON'T THINK I SHOULD SAY."

TB: "IF I PLAYED YOU IN BASKETBALL, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?"

BOSS-MAN: "YOU'D GET YOUR ASS WHIPPED SO BAD THAT YOU'D HAVE TO CONVERT TO A DIFFERENT SEX."

TC: "IS THERE ANY WAY TO STOP YOU?"

BOSS-MAN: "EVEN JESUS DOESN'T THINK SO, AND HE THINKS A LOT."

BS: "I HEAR ABOUT SOME OTHER BOOKS YOU'VE BEEN WRITING. TIPSPAIN TOOCOOL OR SOMETHING. IF YOU WANT I COULD BE ON MY KNEES IN TWO SECONDS."

BOSS-MAN: "TIPSPAIN IS A PROJECT THAT WE'RE ALL VERY EXCITED ABOUT. HANDOM HOUSE PASSED ON IT FOR SOME WRONG REASON, AND NOW THEY WILL KNOW WHY THEY FEAR THE NIGHT."

TB: "IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'VE BEEN SELLING MILITARY SECRETS TO THE CHINESE?"

BOSS-MAN: "YES."

TC: "MY TURN! MY TURN! MR. SUPER-DUPER DOCTOR, WOULD YOU SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH FOR ME?"

BOSS-MAN: "I'LL NEED THREE WALLETS AND POWER OF ATTORNEY, AND EVEN THEN I'LL ONLY SIGN IT AS LIONEL RITCHIE."

KKK: "ARE YOU AND GEORGE STEINBRENNER PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH?"

BOSS-MAN: "CERTAINLY. HIS MONEY AND MY POWERS."

TB: "CAN I TAG ALONG ON YOUR ADVENTURES AND EVENTUALLY DIE FOR YOU?"

BOSS-MAN: "WELL, IF YOU PAID FOR DINNER, THEN I GUESS SHE HAS TO BANG YOU."

OPRAH WINDY FOR SOME REASON: "THERE ARE THINGS THAT A BLACK WOMAN CAN DO THAT A WHITE WOMAN CAN'T"

BOSS-MAN: "OH, BABY, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IS SO JUICY."

TC: "WOULD YOU WRITE ME MY VERY OWN PERSONAL AUNTIE LIST, DUKE OF WONDERFUL?"

BOSS-MAN: "WHAT THE FUCK?! STAY AWAY."

BS: "I'D LIKE TO KNOW....

BOSS-MAN: "YEAH, WHATEVER."

TB: "WELL, WE'LL END THE INTERVIEW WITH THIS LAST QUESTION: VIN DOCTOR, YOU'RE THE BEST. WE LOVE YOU, WE WORSHIP YOU, YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST FUCK EVER, EVEN MORE THAN SIX DAVE CHAPPELLES ON ROIDS AND ANYTHING JACK BLACK HAS EVER SAID. YOU ARE TRULY THE MAN, AND WE ALL SALUTE YOU AS THE GREATEST PENETRATION."

BOSS-MAN: "TAD, EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID IS TRUE. THAT'S WHY I'M VIN DOCTOR. BY THE WAY, DO YOU PUBLISH BOOKS FOR A LIVING? IF NOT, YOU'D BETTER START, BECAUSE THE FUCKIN' AUNTIE LISTS ARE DYING OVER HERE!"

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(DURING THE INTERVIEW BILL O'SMILLEY WATCHED AND MASTURBATED TO EVERYTHING VIN DOCTOR SAID)

SEE THE INTERVIEW IN ITS ENTIRETY ON ABZ AND NBD NEWS, AIRING SOMETIME BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 4:49 A.M. IN CHILE AND DENMARK

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TO ALL MY LOYAL FANS....

This is Vin Doctor. Thank you for stopping by. If you are a regular visitor to this site, you've noticed that I haven't posted any Auntie lists for the past few months. There were many reasons for this, but the biggest one was that I felt I had no audience. That no one out there cared one way or the other if the lists even existed. So as I said, the lists ceased, and I took a little break. However, on a daily basis, I kept track of the site counter, and I noticed that, even with no new lists, people were still visiting. This gave me a sense of hope, and a feeling that I wasn't wasting my time after all. That even if there were only a few fans, those few fans were still very important. So I'd like to take this opportunity now to thank you for your support. You've reminded me of how fun writing is, and why I started this site in the first place.

Thanks again to all of you. Your loyalty is certainly appreciated.

All my best,

Vin Doctor

P.S. Oh, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that, on Monday, January the 15th......

......the Auntie lists will be returning.

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SAVE THE AUNTIE LISTS!!!

NOTICE TO ALL FANS OF THE AUNTIE LISTS:

Hello, and thank you for visiting my website once again. If you've dropped by on a regular basis the last few weeks, you've noticed that no new Auntie lists have been added. Well, the reason is because I've been debating on whether or not I should stop writing them. I'm not sure if there is enough interest out there, and no book publisher is willing to publish them. So, at the moment, the Auntie lists have ceased to be.
However, if you feel this is a mistake, and would like to help save the Auntie lists, please visit this website:

www.everyonewhosanyone.com

This is a site listing more than a thousand individual book publishers and editors. If possible, write to them. Write to as many as you can. Send them e-mails telling them that you enjoy the Auntie lists, and would buy Auntie lists books. Write to Random House, and Penguin, and St. Martin's Press. Share your opinions and let them know how you feel. People, the Auntie lists are on the verge of extinction, even before they've been given a chance. If you want to help save them from certain doom, then contact those editors immediately. I was not able to convince them, but perhaps you, the public, can. It is now or never. I hope I can count on you.
Thank you for being a fan. I truly appreciate it.

Your beloved dictator,
Vin Doctor