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Hey. My name is Bernard Underkill. I'm not a nice guy, and I've got a few things to say. First off, I fuckin' hate everyone, and I don't give a flying-chimpanzee fuck who knows it. I also hate the fuck out of my job, but everyone does, I guess, so that's nothing new. My boss sucks the meanest dick known to man, and I hope he appears in the obituaries 38 days in a row. He's a prick just for the sake of being a prick, and since that undermines my sense of justice, fuck him to Hell. Secondly, I fuckin' hate everything there is about everything. The reason why is because I'm a fuckin' loser. I have no money or no woman or no house or boat or mistress or anything. Therefore, I hate everyone who does have those things. It's not that I'm really jealous of other fuckers or anything like that, it's just that I want my piece of the fuckin' pie, too. I see these rich assholes with jewels and broads and I say "Why the fuck should they have them and not me?" Then I remember that God loves to fuck around with our heads and gives some people everything while he makes other poor shmucks born with no arms or faces or whatever, and that's when I decide to hate God. Hey, all that holy unfairness undermines my sense of justice, so fuck it. Lastly, I fuckin' hate the way every fuckin' day is the exact fuckin' same as the last. Get up, take a shit, shower, go to work, come home, fall the fuck asleep watching ESPN. That's it. That's fuckin' it. Can't you see how much that fuckin' blows? I want to change things, but I have no fuckin' money, and without that, nothing matters. Sometimes I want to rob a fuckin' bank just so I can afford to get an extra taco at lunch break. I mean, I'm a fuckin' American, and I can't even get an extra fuckin' taco! What the fuck happened to this country?! Somebody please tell me! Anyway, I've really been jerking off a lot lately, but it's not working, so I've been trying like crazy to score a bitch. But you know what? I can't. And you know why? POOR!! Yes, I'm fuckin' poor, so none of them will even think about rubbing up against my dick down at the beauty parlor. I swear, those evil wenches must be able to smell when you're desperate for pussy, and that must be a turn-off, because they all keep telling me to go fuck my grandmother. Go fuck my grandmother. Can you believe what chicks say nowadays? Don't they know that my grandmother's like 80 or something? Even if I wanted to, fucking her would be impossible! Still, I wish one of her friends would at least suck my dick. I wouldn't care if they did have to pull out their dentures or whatever. I'd still take it. At least it would be warm and wet. That's more than enough, and better than hand. So, whatever, that's basically what my crap of a life is, if you can call it that. All I think about is money and snatch and screwing, but since I can't have those things, I hate everything. Maybe I'm already dead, and this is fuckin' Hell, huh? Hey, I watch "The Twilight Zone" and shit, and that stuff happens all the time. I wish to Christ I could get trapped in one of those shows, like the one with that sexy blonde genie bitch. She'd ask me what I wanted, and before she even finished the words I'd be on top of her. Then I'd command her to fuck and blow me forever, and she'd have to do it, and believe me, I would never want it to stop, so there would be no ironic fuckin' twist. I don't care what imaginary world I would have to live in. As long as I'm getting laid, that's enough for me. Well, my break time is up, so I'm outta here. Until next time, go fuck yourself. Bernard Underkill Big-Time Loser --------------------- Ugly Bernard By Vin Doctor 5/21/06  Hey. My name is Bernard Underkill. I'm not a nice guy, and I've got a few things to say. Today sucked worse than dog shit. I mean, it was fuckin' rotten. First the landlady catches me on the way to work, and complains to be about how I've late on my rent or mortgage payments or some fuckin' thing like that. Anyway, I was half asleep, so I didn't really hear what the fuck she said, and finally I just walked away while the bitch was still talking. My clothes were dirty because I had slept in them, and my hair was all fucked up because I hadn't washed or combed it. I tried to fix it in the reflection of a store window, but finally I gave the fuck up and stopped caring. I don't think I mentioned this earlier, but my automobile is a fuckin' nightmare. It's a puke-green Toyota from 1983, and it has a billion fuckin' miles on it, and the cocksucker makes all these funny noises and shoots gases into my face while I'm driving. Plus two of the wheels are smaller fake wheels. You know, the ones you put on when you don't have a real tire? Anyway, that makes one end of my car lower than the other fuckin' end, and I always feel like I'm driving downhill or some shit like that. Anyway, to make a long story even fuckin' worse, it took quite a long fuckin' time for the thing to start, and then I realized that I was sitting in piss because the nasty fuckin' neighborhood kids had played a joke on me and taken turns whizzing on my front seats. I swear, the next little fucker I see gets run down, minor or no fuckin' minor. Well, I got to my place of misery, and I was pretty fuckin' late. My boss chewed me out and shit, but who really gives a fuck. Then, during work, all I could do was stare at one of the secretaries that I would love love love to bang. She's got these great tits and she doesn't even smell bad. I've asked her out maybe thousands of times but she keeps saying no. I don't know what her fuckin' problem is. Anyway, I watched her cross her legs and shit, and man, she was wearing a really tight black skirt, and those fuckin' legs! Nice and thick, not like skinny fuckin' matchsticks, but not too thick, just right. I swear, I almost wanted to go into the bathroom and jerk off to an imagination of her on her knees. She has nice long hair, too. I should really think about stalking that bitch. Well, work ended, and since I'm the loneliest mother fucker on Earth, I went to a bar, which is a very unfriendly location. I'm not a drunk or anything, it's just that all my friends happen to be alcohol. So there I was, kind of buzzed, when the bartender cuts me off and says I've had too much. Just what I need, right? A fuckin' bartender who's also Prince fuckin' Valiant. Anyway, I start fuckin' arguing and screaming, telling him that I needed to get drunk to forget about my life, and the next thing I know I got punched all the way across the room. And I fuckin' mean that, too. I literally went fuckin' flying. It turns out that the bartender had like 25 black belts of karate or something, and when I told him that his mother licked prime penis, I guess he took offense to that. I wound up in the street, and some fucker stepped on my hand. If I hadn't already pawned my watch, it would have broken. Well, after that, what fuckin' difference does it make? I pushed my car all the way home, and then I watched the last twenty minutes of some dumb fuckin' Keanu Reeves movie. That guy can't even read, yet he's a millionaire. Jesus fuckin' Christ. Where did I go wrong? Bernard Underkill Big-Time Loser --------------------- Ugly Bernard By Vin Doctor 5/24/06 Hey. My name is Bernard Underkill. I'm not a nice guy, and I've got a few things to say. Man, I hope the whole fuckin' world just up and explodes during the night. It wouldn't fuckin' matter to me, since my life is beyond awful. I went to go get some extra-caffeine coffee this morning, and I'm minding my own meaningless business, when all of a sudden this fuckin' hobo starts begging me for a quarter. The fuckin' guy smelled suspiciously like shit, and he had fuckin' snot all over his beard. Hell, I know I'm a fuckin' slob, but I'm better looking than that asshole, I can assure you. Anyway, I gave him some nickels or something, and he calls me a cheapskate. Can you believe that fuckin' crap? I mean, I tried to help the homeless fuck. So I ended up kicking the mother fucker a couple of times, but then the cops saw me and I had to walk away. Actually, I fuckin' ran away, since I've got priors, and my coffee went spilling all over the fuckin' street. So the next time a fuckin' hobo comes up to me, I'm belting the prick right in the throat. You know, to get revenge. That seems fair to me. On the way to work I stopped on the corner and waited for this chick who always jogs by. God, her tits bounce like basketballs and her tits are huge. I'd really fuckin' love it if she'd jog into my car and fuck my brains out, but I've done everything I can, and it turns out that Voodoo just doesn't fuckin' work. Anyway, she finally jogged by, and her shorts were riding up into her ass. Fuck, do I love that. You get more of a vivid viewing experience that way. I tried to honk the horn, to thank her for making my dick hard, but the fuckin' horn doesn't work ever since it stopped working 6 years ago. I just wish there was some way that I could pick up a nymphomaniac hitchhiker. I've been saving that fantasy for a long, long fuckin' time. After nothing good at all happened at work, I went down to the Post Office. I had to pay a fuckin' bill or else they said they'd take my phone away. Who fuckin' cares, really, since no one ever fuckin' calls. Anyway, I was standing there, and I noticed this little brunette working behind the counter. She wasn't really pretty, but I imagined fucking her anyway. I do that a lot, since I kind of have to. I was going to ask her out, but my shirt had a big fuckin' tear in it. It's my last clean one, and I've been holding it together with staples. Well, I was going to ask her out, but when she saw me she gave me this look, and I knew right away that she was a stuck-up bitch. I don't abide by bitches judging me, so I gave her the brush off. I did come back and asked her out like 5 times, but I was right: She was a bitch. Even still, I'll jerk off to her tonight, because she did smell pretty good. So, whatever, I got home, and some fuckin' fuck must have broken in, because my TV was missing, and my jar of pennies was spilled everywhere. That's the third fuckin' time that I've had a stolen TV stolen from me. Now I've got to go see Juan and buy another fuckin' set. Fuck, why do they steal off of me? I mean, the fuckin' thing barely even worked. I always had to smash it just to make the wavy fuckin' lines go away, and it always made a funny grinding sound, sort of like a pig. So I had to just sit there all fuckin' night and kill cockroaches while wearing sneakers on my hands. Hey, why are they called "cockroaches?" Was there some homo bug scientist obsessed with cock? Then I thought of what it would be like to fuck a giant female Praying Mantis. I figured it would be pretty fuckin' scary and science-fiction like, but I saw a show about them once, and those bugs really know how to screw. I mean, like fuckin' professionals. I watched this one Mantis bitch pumping away, and I have to admit, it gave me wood. She ate the fuckin' head of the guy Praying Mantis, but he didn't seem to care. He just kept on doing her anyway, which is pretty fuckin' incredible. I love all that wild nature shit, with mating and humping and fucking. Ever watch apes and elephants doing it? It's very fuckin' sexy. Well, I have to go. All this sex talk has made me want hand. Until next time, stay the fuck away from my fresh new TV. Bernard Underkill Big-Time Loser --------------------- Ugly Bernard By Vin Doctor 5/28/06 Hey. My name is Bernard Underkill. I'm not a nice guy, and I've got a few things to say.
Well, after that I took a fuckin' shower, sort of, since the damn showerhead is missing, and the tub filled up with fuckin' water, since it doesn't fuckin' drain right, and after dressing in the least-crunchiest clothes I could fuckin' find, I went over to the diner across the street to have some breakfast sugar and syrup. That's what most of my diet consists of: Equal packets, and ketchup, and potato chips that are all burned and just left in discarded bags. I mean, who the fuck has the money for a real breakfast? So anyone, I did get a cup of coffee, and the waitress named Shelia was there. I've been trying to fuck her all the time, because her lower legs look okay. Anyway, she's standing there, saying something or whatever the fuck, and I'm looking at her hips, and her lips, and her box. Well, I couldn't fuckin' take it anymore, so I asked her if she was interested in any work under the table, and she gets all fuckin' pissed for no reason and pours coffee all over me. That's the third fuckin' time she's done that, and I've got the stains on my unwashed shirt to prove it. Anyway, the manager threw me the fuck out, and said "No come back for one week!" Fucked up fuckin' foreigner. Go back to Assholia.
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