Auntie List #91

Ten things you wouldn't expect a little old lady to say!

1. "That's right! Carry my fuckin' groceries! Yes, all the way to the fuckin' car! Now strip!"
2. "I lost my dentures, so I glued some LEGO Bricks in there instead."
3. "Oh, he's gonna get lucky tonight. I'm dying for it myself."
4. "I shot at what I thought was a raccoon in my garbage cans, and now my neighbor is really dead. Am I going to the funeral? Fuck no!"
5. "She's a first-class pig. I don't know why I keep seeing her."
6. "Sniffing bottles of punctured hairspray will make Bingo better than afternoon sex."
7. "I didn't want to visit the doctor, so I tossed my old bitch self down the stairs. I mean, who cares? My hips are already made out of R2-D2."
8. "You can't depend on Depends. It just seeps right through."
9. "My roof is covered with vultures. The feathery fuckers are waiting."
10. "I always tell young girls to put out because it's funny when they get knocked up."


Auntie List #92

Ten things about religion that you must know!

1. Only two of the world's religions are right, but which ones? Nope, not Scientology.
2. Moses ended everything he said with a suplex.
3. After Eve ate the apple, she moved on to the banana.
4. Stop praying. Nobody's been listening for the last 800 years, or ever.
5. The Dead Sea Scrolls are all about the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers.
6. Mr. Wizard was crucified after explaining how air works.
7. A priest who soaks his dick in mouthwash.
8. Mighty Mouse is a Mormon and at one time even had Beverly D'Angelo
9. The only reason Peter followed Jesus was because he thought he sold drugs.
10. To punish exceptionally bad sinners, they often use a saber-toothed nun.


Auntie List #93

Ten things that shouldn't make you smile, but they probably will!

1. A firecracker that blows off a kid's fingernails, effectively ending his childhood.
2. Ellen DeGeneres being led to the gallows at a county fair.
3. A cow tipping over drunk teenagers, stepping on more than a few pimply faces.
4. A ponytail made out of re-used sewer meat.
5. The Crocodile Hunter not seeing the shark sneaking up behind him.
6. Hey, why aren't the Auntie lists more popular? Where's my legion of loyal nerds? Robot Chicken has them! So does Aqua Teen Hunger Force!
7. A clever-endeavor otter who got your credit card information anyway.
8. Sitting on a sidewalk when it's 100 degrees below 400.
9. A couple of bikers in a bar playing "Tug-of-whore."
10. A bluish/greenish judge who continually says "Count it, and the foul!"


Auntie List #94

Ten things that usually aren't said at a proper dinner party!

1. "Oh, God! Oh, God! PLEASE stick it there!"
2. "Fuck! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck! Anyone else?!"
3. "My brain is on fire for you, my dear. Let's run away together and become website builders."
4. "This mirror doesn't work. Only my feet and left breast show up."
5. "The Great Space Coaster is a ride that ends in Hell."
6. "My hobby is studying different types of bums. I recently added the knifing kind to my growing collection."
7. "I don't bother going to work anymore. I just sit in my basement watching "Stargate: Atlantis."
8. "Every time I fuck my secretary I have to give her a raise. She makes like a billion dollars a week now."
9. "I had to lie to Congress. Otherwise, they would have found out."
10. "I got 99 problems, and a bitch is one."


Auntie List #95

Ten things most people don't say under their breath!

1. "Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy! How are you?"
"I hope you choke, you fuckin' American asshole!"

2. "Hi, Susanne. Are you feeling better since you got out of the hospital?"
"I don't care if you did have a nose job. You're still an ugly bitch who dresses badly."

3. "Sir, you forgot your coat."
"Behold, the pitchness of my black!"

4. "Please move your car. It's blocking the road."
"There's a body in the trunk. I know there's a fuckin' body in the trunk! That's awesome!"

5. "So if you roll over your 401K plan, you'll be all set."
"Erectile dysfunction? But it's my birthday!"

6. "I think that if we talk about it, we'll get to the root of the problem."
"Lace lace lace lace lace lace lace lace lace lace."

7. "Mommy, can I have another piece of pie?"
"Your ice cream sucks and you can't satisfy a man."

8. "This means that the cold front will continue to stay over our area."
"I'm really in the mood for a special hug. I have needs!"

9. "My show dog blows your show dog right out of the fuckin' water!"
"My show dog blows your show dog right out of the fuckin' water!"

10. "Let's go, jerk-off! Outside, right now!"
"Please back down. Please. I don't want to get my ass kicked in front of my new girlfriend. Plus these pants are expensive."



Auntie List #96

Ten sex things that you're not likely to come across!

1. A rich man who offers you a million dollars for one night alone with your dick, or cheeks.
2. A forest ranger who sets up these holes in the softest, least-complaining trees.
3, This pounding sensation that can only be one thing.
4. Many guns firing many times at many different things.
5. A fairy godmother who loves it fast in a phone booth.
6. "Sounds like you've got a hog caught in your throat. Just bite down. That'll scare it off."
7. A pond where naked women always come out of, dripping dry.
8. A carriage ride that ends in a deserted parking lot.
9. You Two Rattle and Hum.
10. A gigantic G-spot that's roaring down the street.



Auntie List #97

Ten things you should do in case of a fire!

1. Let the dancing flames take you. Just let them take you.
2. Try to light as many cigarettes as possible before you pass out.
3. Make sure that it spreads to the home next to yours. That way, you won't be alone.
4. What, the fuckin' cellar is flooding, too? What is this, the Amityville House?
5. Aren't you glad now that you didn't bother painting it?
6. One of those psychiatrists who acts out the things you whisper to her.
7. Put the batteries that you took for your CD player back into the melted smoke alarms.
8. Get very used to sleeping outdoors in the front yard.
9. Thank heavens that my wife didn't make it out alive.
10. Bless the good Lord above for performing miracles such as this!



Auntie List #98

Ten things that I would do if I ever found Smurf Village!

1. Put Smurfette down my pants and tell her to crawl through my underwear if she wants to get out.
2. Stuff Brainy Smurf up the ass of a wild horse.
3. Block out the Sun and watch them all turn white from lack of nutrition.
4. Start selling detailed maps and ruin their peace and quiet.
5. Eat a couple of the ones that don't have any names.
6. Walk around with a golf club destroying all their mushroom houses.
7. Talk with Papa Smurf and then backhand him across a stream.
8. I've always wanted to nail a grown-up version of Strawberry Shortcake.
9. Set rat traps all over the place, with sour Smurfberries as the bait.
10. Conduct electrocution experiments with the help of Gargamel to see if we could make any of them grow bigger or alter their view of the world.



Auntie List #99

Ten things that might happen inside Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!

1. Hot melted caramel meets delicious nude sugary bodies on Wonkavision's Spice Channel.
2. Mike Teevee puts rock candy in his pockets and jumps into the chocolate river, but before he can drown he's eaten by Augustus Gloop, who lives there now as some kind of incestuous human marshmallow whale.
3. Veruca Salt gets caught sucking more than just a lollipop and is sold to a Detroit pimp.
4. Grandpa Joe pours fizzy-lifting drink on his deceased penis and prays.
5. A crazy fucker with an axe takes his commands directly from Mr. Slugworth.
6. Charlie Bucket's paper route goes undelivered for a third day in a row.
7. The Oompa Loompas finally declare a glorious Jihad.
8. "You know, I bet those golden tickets would fetch a big fuckin' price on eBay."
9. Grandpa George calls on the phone and asks why the fuck wasn't he picked to go.
10. Johnny Depp apologizes to Gene Wilder for destroying his movie and agrees to pay him $887 million in fines.



Auntie List #100

Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see!

1. POPE TELLS EVERYONE IT'S HAMMER TIME
Bus plows into airport

2. STUDY SHOWS CADAVERS FEEL PAIN, ESPECIALLY DURING AUTOPSIES
Lorax loses virginity

3. UMA THURMAN WINS OLIVER STONE LOOKALIKE CONTEST
Sigmund Roid was a powerhouse psychologist with thick arms

4. JUGGLING NOW DEPLETES THE OZONE LAYER
Orphans attack church, actually win

5. SCIENTISTS DO THE NASTY ON TOP OF THE PERIODIC TABLE
20 wars started yesterday

6. CASTLE GRAYSKULL MOVED TO LAS VEGAS FOR VARIOUS REASONS
Hansel and Gretel fuck each other for warmth

7. STOCK MARKET MIGHT BE IMPORTANT, SAYS ECONOMIST
As usual, Cleveland Indians don't know what to do

8. TEENAGER FAILED TO CHECK HIMSELF BEFORE HE WRECKED HIMSELF
Now he's 44 years old and gay. That's the price he had to pay

9. TAXIDERMIST SHOP OPENS UP NEXT TO ZOO
I can't wait to see what happens

10. BALD MEN DON'T STAND A CHANCE
Plaque erected in Tiananmen Square denying the existence of Tiananmen Square

Auntie List #101

Twenty things of a genuinely unusual nature!
 
1. A giant fatso suspiciously refusing the last box of highly-fried doughnuts.
2. A dolphin superimposed in a tree.
3. Michael Caine legally changing his name to Michael Cocaine.
4. Way, way the fuck up there.
5. A Bar Mitzvah where everyone is dressed as a Nazi or a Nazi sympathizer.
6. The finding of nothing in a wallet that had hope.
7. A bowling alley that's at a 70 degree angle.
8. Throbbin Wood and his band of Cherry Outlaws, who are really, really wanted by the Sheriff of San Francisco for committing acts of rough medieval sex and velvet perjury. Also anal torture and some other uncomfortable "things."
9. You hear a knock on the door and when you look out the window it's you, being fucked.
10. A puppet show that sprays the kids with acid.
11. A pamphlet on manipulation that is just all right.
12. The President boarding a spaceship as the sky turns to blood.
13. Wonder Woman forces me into bed all weekend.
14. Claim digging can have more than one special meaning.
15. They lured Miss Piggy to a slaughterhouse, and it was there that they took her.
16. A marathon runner who has snipers helping him the whole way.
17. Scott Baio gets his wish and it's 1985 again.
18. A press conference remembered for this: "Who the fuck asked you?!"
19. Scott Baio gets his wish and Nicole Eggert is on her knees.
20. Scott Baio dies when Alf bursts out of his stomach.