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Auntie List #81 Ten new constellations in the night sky! 1. The Big Dicker, which comes out every evening, usually to chicks in bars. 2. A chimney wearing a stove top hat and long wicked sideburns. 3. Cursa Minor, this little person with a shiny crotch who swears like an unforgiving fuck. 4. Penis Major, or is it Major Penis? Go ask your lube job therapist. 5. "Hey, that one's moving now.....AND IT'S HEADED RIGHT FUCKIN' TOWARDS US!! QUICK!! FUCK ME BEFORE WE DIE!! HURRY!! DON'T BOTHER UNDRESSING!!" 6. The Milky Way is very horny and very wide and very cold. 7. You know, I met Stacy's Mom, and she doesn't have it goin' on. 8. Sex-tons and Slurpins, and you can guess what nasty far-away things they do on those planets. 9. So many territorial problems arose when Winnie the Pooh moved in with the Berenstain Bears. 10. The Little Dicker, which is the sign that most men were born under. Auntie List #82 Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see! 1. POTATO FARMER CAUGHT IN BED WITH MRS. POTATOHEAD He didn't disappear, he was skinned alive! 2. NICE, NICE TITS New funny way of dying invented 3. MIDGET HANGS AROUND TOILET BOWL LOOKING FOR AUTOGRAPHS Miss America Pageant now to be decided by last-minute dick-sucking contest 4. SUSPICIOUSLY MUSCULAR TREES BEGIN DOMINATING WHITE HOUSE LAWN Oh, the horrors of steroid use! 5. ALL OTHER NEWSPAPERS ARE COMMUNIST FILTH Either buy ours or else you hate America and freedom 6. FIRST-GRADERS ACCIDENTALLY TAKE FIELD TRIP TO NUDE BEACH Teacher promoted, then promoted again 7. CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE TO DECIDE WHO'S COOLER: DARTH VADER, DOCTOR DOOM, MAGNETO OR THE RED SKULL Missiles slam into Seattle, Midwest 8. NEW-WAVE ECOLOGISTS VOW TO IGNORE GLOBAL WARMING Running away from a problem only makes it better 9. THE DA VINCI CODE FOUND TO BE EVEN MORE OF A LIE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT Plenty of animals harmed during filming of illegal movie 10. TERRORIST AIRPLANE HIJACKED BY OTHER TERRORISTS Let's see how they like it Auntie List #83 Ten things a used car salesman probably won't say or admit! 1. "I can sum up this vehicle in one word: Shitbox, Deathtrap, Gas-sucker, No tires, Aunt Gertrude's final ride." 2. "Hey, don't touch the gas tank. One little tap and the fuckin' thing explodes." 3. "Well, somebody did blow their brains out in the front seat. That's the real reason why the interior is painted red, to hide the evidence." 4. "It'll fold up whenever you brake or turn to the left." 5. "I know it doesn't have an engine, but that's only because it fell out while we were pushing it over here." 6. "Oh, it has a muffler, but there's nowhere to attach it." 7. "You probably noticed that Carbon Monoxide leaks out of the radio, so don't ever use it, and get an air freshener." 8. "The steering wheel is square and plastic because it's an old lunch tray from McDonald's." 9. "Instead of windshield wipers here's a box of Kleenex for when it rains." 10. "The car is pretty small, so you'll have to sit in the trunk while driving, and the headlights are just pieces of yellow paper that we taped on." Auntie List #84 Ten movies that change if you change a few words! 1. Little Black Book becomes: Little Black Hooker 2. She's All That becomes: She's All That I Hate 3. Pretty Woman becomes: Pretty Bad 4. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead becomes: Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's In Bed With Dad 5. Fever Pitch becomes: Vaginal Itch 6. Old Yeller becomes: Bone Sweller 7. A Day Without A Mexican becomes: What It's Like To Live In Sweden 8. Ocean's Twelve becomes: Don't Make Number Thirteen 9. Das Boot becomes: Das Boot Up The Ass 10. The Crying Game becomes: A Fucking Shame (Get it? A "Fucking" Shame? Ah, you pull rope!) Auntie List #85 Ten things that usually don't happen at a hospital! 1. Instead of reporting to the Emergency Room all the doctors and surgeons go play vicious street hockey. 2. This freak wants to be a woman from the waist up and a man from the waist down and a tiger on the sides. 3. Everyone comes to watch the public caning, even the blind. 4. X-rays become aware and take over the facility. 5. Hey, did Michael Myers just walk down the hallway? 6. This former playmate needs to have her tits refilled pronto by a real fine expert. 7. Any patient who can't pay their bills is forced into a food processor. 8. From now on the elevator only goes to the morgue. 9. A guy's arms fell off because he swung too hard at softball. 10. No matter how many times the police ask, no one will turn down the music in ICU. Auntie List #86 Ten words and their real meanings! 1. Word: Inflammable Real meaning: That time when the Elephant Man was too scared to ask Rhinoceros Girl for a nightmarish date. 2. Word: Presumptuous Real meaning: Someone who likes to talk about the shit they just took. 3. Word: Laceration Real meaning: A mountain that frequently enjoys killing brave climbers. 4. Word: Equine Real meaning: A breeze that blows off a bald man's fake hair. 5. Word: Neanderthal Real meaning: A book that shouts out the ending right after you start reading it. 6. Word: Abbot Real meaning: When a diner matures into a restaurant. 7. Word: Foggy Real meaning: A lonely librarian who has sunk so low that now she's dating wooden crates. 8. Word: Triangular Real meaning: A permanent sickness known as "March Sadness," which occurs after Duke gets knocked out in the third round and destroys your entire bracket. 9. Word: Quartzite Real meaning: When Little Boy Blue Balls and Little Miss Muff hooked up under the bridge next to the freeway. 10. Word: Cordial Real meaning: A school superintendent who can't get his ass to cool down. Auntie List #87 Ten things that would ruin a college student's Spring Break! 1. You can't go to the bathroom because those dickheads stuffed a tennis ball up there. 2. "She had the clap? Oh, fuck. Well, how do you get rid of that?" 3. Whorehouses only let you hold hands, and not against cocks. 4. The Serial Killer National Convention is right next door, and it's packed. 5. Your next mother comes along and eventually sucks off Steve. 6. Chuck Norris beats the piss out of you and never explains why. 7. A Nightmare on Elm Street becomes: A Wet Dream on Clean Sheets 8. Eleven wrong turns and now the hillbillies have you hanging in their smokehouse. 9. A wild-eyed hitchhiker keeps predicting your death soon. 10. The government makes a decision that all non-essential animals must go. Auntie List #88 Ten facts that will keep you up at night! 1. Ketchup is made from leftover nuclear bomb. 2. The color of your eyes determines whether or not you go to heaven. 3. Ronald McDonald beats his wife. 4. The next Lilith Fair will be held in North Korea. 5. The Oakland Raiders have a commitment to going 5-11. 6. Sack races were designed to put midgets in their place. 6. Rodney Dangerfield got more respect than all those worthless farmers and firefighters put together. 6. The Mad Hatter liked things that he heard at Klan meetings. 6. If you look over there you'll see a fat guy screaming for the ice cream truck to come back. 6. The sweat from a Howler Monkey's nuts won't cure anything at all. 6. Somebody up there hates me, and it's the chick in apartment 3B. 6. Hey, why the fuck are all these numbered "6?!" 7. Jerking off makes Santa Claus deliver less presents. 8. The Amish wear those hats to cover up the devil horns on their heads. 9. "American Idle" would be the proper spelling for that stupid fuckin' show. 10. Back in the old days of 2002 coconuts were the size of small towns. Auntie List #89 Ten things that probably never happened on the Andy Griffith Show! 1. Aunt Bee had a yard sale and some of the soup bowls were made from human skulls, a la Ed Gein. 2. Gomer Pyle was caught prostituting himself in the episode titled "So that's what he was doing at one in the morning." 3. It turns out Old Floyd was working for the Russians after all. 4. Opie was a racist who loved to shoot little birds. 5. Arthur Fonzarelli was acquitted on sexual assault charges, but we all know he did it. 6. Deputy Fife had a problem being retarded. 7. It was Sheriff Andy's job to make sure all black people were kept at a safe distance, like living somewhere else. 8. The town's original name was "Basra," not "Mayberry." 9. Otis kept a loaded shotgun in his bathroom, and prayed every night for the courage to use it. 10. There was one special Halloween episode where Herman Munster killed three people. Auntie List #90 Ten things you usually won't find on the menu at a restaurant! 1. Your girlfriend's phone number, because she's fucking half of Baltimore. 2. Thick baloney that yawns when you bite it. 3. A Big Mouth Burger so big that you have to have your jaw removed before you get started. 4. Back Fat Ribs, and don't ask anymore questions. 5. Hey, who coined the phrase "Coined the phrase?" 6. A bucket of saltwater with a bagel floating in it. 7. There was this one guy who just kept ordering alcohol to eat. 8. Fish and Lips, and it comes with dipping snot. 9. "There's no forks at this table. In fact, there's no plates." 10. 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