Auntie Lists #71-80

Auntie List #71

Ten things a beached whale might say!

1. "That seahorse-sucking compass is all wrong. It always says "east" no matter where I am."
2. "This is so much drier than my house which I don't have."
3. "I'm dying. Somebody pour some ocean on my gills."
4. "None of you land-pussies could handle half the crap I put up with."
5. "It's called a blowhole, baby. That's where I make it happen every ten minutes."
6. "Who's the fucker that threw all that pollution in the North Atlantic? My tail is falling off and my eyelids are getting thinner!"
7. "I'm pretty sure I crushed some kids who were building a sandcastle. Go tell their friends that they can't come out and breathe."
8. "Pump 'em and dump 'em. That's my belief."
9. "Jacques Cousteau just didn't know dick. He once told me that the Sun revolved around his kitchen."
10. "I got lost on the way to saying fuck you."


Auntie List #72

Ten things that usually don't happen in a laboratory!

1. A mad scientist gets even madder when his naked woman-making machine breaks and starts producing six-headed opera singers who are tone deaf and Tone Loc.
2. Frankenstein's Monster gets loaded and begins to pull himself apart because he wishes he was black and thick and generally down with it.
3. A Samoan call girl who can cry lava from her nipples.
4. "Why the fuck is that dog in here again?"
5. The bodies of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong are combined for good this time.
6. An old man in his underwear sits in a pyramid of toilet paper and ponders the unmoveableness of his colon.
7. A rookie shortstop makes key errors and the other team loves him for it.
8. Sleeping Beauty has to take sleeping pills just to wake up.
9. God and Jesus hear my begging and the Playboy Bunnies take me to their secret mountain hideout and play musical chairs on my dick as the Sun shines forever.
10. Fat women weep while cruel scales giggle and laugh at them.


Auntie List #73

Ten things you don't usually see!

1. Two boxers and one is covered with termites.
2. A smell so bad that it can only be fuckin' fucked.
3. A library made out of snowballs and good looks.
4. Rustlers successfully carrying off Hoover Dam and the water.
5. A painting that needs your attention to live.
6. A megaphone that wonders what pieces of ass lick like.
7. A ballet dancer who has all of her body's muscles in one leg.
8. Midgets who squat until they shoot up into the sky.
9. Gerald McBoing-Boing having his way with Dora the Explorer.
10. The capital of Cambodia is Crab Rangoon.


Auntie List #74

Ten things that usually aren't written on a diploma!

1. "One day robots will feast on your rotting flesh."
2. "Make sure you double your pants size, in case you have to live in them."
3. "Tell Larry King to stop using sex as a weapon."
4. "Self-made cocaine is so fuckin' illegal."
5. "If they say no, just force yourself upon them."
6. "Drive two cars at once and you're sure to get mentioned in the newspapers."
7. "DangerMouse could out-think all of Scotland Yard."
8. "Whoa! WHOA!! Not just yet!"
9. "If you ain't that tall, then what fuckin' good are you?"
10. "Perverts get to hide on the Internet for free."


Auntie List #75

Ten things you usually won't find in a mailbox!

1. A Hustler magazine from 1729 made out of Benjamin Franklin's foreskin.
2. Mr. Peabody putting himself to sleep using Southern Comfort and a lot of ice.
3. A Mogwai that managed to get away from Debra Winger when she tried to feed it funny-colored pills after midnight.
4. The Union Army only defeated the Confederacy because it had lasers and more time.
5. Dirty movies that your mailman reviewed last night without wearing his pajama bottom.
6. A hotel towel from another meaningless world.
7. A cement mixer that doesn't mix well at parties.
8. A streaker who goes on and on about Gypsies and the need for speed.
9. A caterpillar that turns into a penis when the fabled hour arrives.
10. The Easter Bunny, who refuses to go to rehab because he says he doesn't like it there.


Auntie List #76

Ten imaginary individuals! (Or are they?)

1. The Stuffin' Man, who jammed 77 pairs of socks down his pants because his mother wanted him to be big.
2. Soup Willis, the mutated half-brother of Bruce Willis who has to live in the sewers and not make trouble.
3. Injun' Blow, a drugged-out Native American who has one giant nostril that weeps blood if it doesn't get its candy before the sky cries itself to sleep.
4. Jabba the Clit, this colossal piggy stripper who'll do anything for butter cookies.
5. Barney Trouble, a renegade cartoon character who keeps misplacing his lust into Wilma.
6. A wiry piano teacher who harnesses the rays of Krypton to defeat his students every afternoon.
7. Junkie the Clown, who has so many needle marks on his body that light shines through him.
8. The Pittsburgh Kneelers, a groups of gays who go door-to-door practicing.
9. Madeleine All-Night, a sexy humpbacked chick who helps the United Nations make up their worthless minds.
10. A chimp named Bonkers who can do foreplay without even being in the room.


Auntie List #77

Ten things you wouldn't expect to find for sale at a garage sale!

1. The garage itself, and this little fuckin' brat who shits in his pants on purpose to the dismay of the governor and his soulless lawn party scum.
2. A pipe organ that's been playing Ace of Base songs all night, trying to make contact with Men at Work.
3. The film "On Golden Pond" was supposed to be titled "On Golden Showers," but the screenwriter wasn't aggressive enough and the nude Walter Matthau werewolf scenes were also cut from the movie.
4. Ren and Stimpy's cremated ashes, which prove that story about Jimmy Hoffa.
5. Feeding rabbits nothing but Cadbury Creme Eggs will make them die most readily.
6. Some gray statues that can't be knocked over.
7. An all-time squirrel who has a fetish for corrupt South African politics.
8. A ball of tangled fishing line so immense that neither sound nor happiness can pass through it.
9. The Big Bad Wolf standing next to a pile of pig and Red Riding bones.
10. A sea captain who leaps knee-first into any kind of soft material or face.


Auntie List #78

Ten things you usually don't see on the street!

1. A lamppost in the shape of a low sheep.
2. Bums huddled around an iPod for warmth.
3. A degenerate in a wig named Hunky Brewster.
4. 881 priests being defrocked for playing satanic hopscotch.
5. A telescope being used to observe a microscope with binoculars.
6. Nazi-crazed Orangutans attempting to dominate this hour, this moment.
7. Burger Thing, the new restaurant that the Board of Health called "Appalling to the human condition."
8. A killer bolt of lightning pretending to be a staircase.
9. "Hi, England. Please don't remove your troops."
10. A silver monument dedicated to psychotic thoughts.


Auntie List #79

Ten things you might see while birdwatching!

1. A fat leechy blue jay borrowing seeds that it's never going to pay back.
2. A hawk swooping down and carrying away a girl scout's cookies and ear.
3. Six wrongs make four rights, and there's every need to thank me.
4. A medical doctor who's just going to let you die.
5. Archie and Veronica making horizontal while the Irish Tenors use their powerful voices to break windows and pop fake titties.
6. A couple of biting bobcats who are interested in what you've got going on.
7. The mighty Pipe Williams and his quest for the Comfort Zone.
8. A flock of stuck-up red doves that were born before history.
9. Julia Roberts being banned from the Olympics for making those movies.
10. Three steamrollers all running out of gas while you continue to age badly.


Auntie List #80

Ten people you probably wouldn't want to hire if you were an employer!

1. An assistant who can only answer the phone if the right person is calling.
2. A clockmaker who shows up four hours late every day and then sometimes he's not even dressed.
3. A very unhappy automobile technician who keeps getting into the cars and pretending to be a crash-test dummy.
4. A school teacher who spends 35 minutes each morning putting things made out of rubber into her purse.
5. That fuckin' lunatic who only says "I'd prefer not to."
6. A Naval historian who mentions Batman in every lecture he gives because that's all he actually knows about.
7. An aerobics instructor who's despicably fat and who demands four lunch breaks instead of two because she claims that she's descended from Krispy Kreme.
8. A cab driver who works 105 hours a week and obsesses about shooting pimps and lowlifes.
9. A fireman who has 27 previous convictions, all done with a single lighter.
10. A Mafia guy who wants to become a gardener so he can have a place to put bodies.



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