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Auntie List #61 Ten things that will let you know you're homeless! 1. Your toilet is either a mailbox or a brick wall or that back alley where they found the dead body. 2. A copy of the New York Times makes an excellent pair of shoes. 3. Gene Hackman keeps performing hideous medical experiments on you, and Hugh Grant can't save you. 4. Getting arrested means warmth and a hot meal and embracement from another man. 5. A strange city where it's always dark and everyone talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 6. You got stabbed and robbed at the YMCA again, didn't you? 7. After buying a small cup of coffee you try to stay for 16 hours, but the people at Dunkin' Donuts aren't that stupid. 8. That shower in the sink at the bus station really hit the spot. 9. Cardboard is lousy insulation, and now you're frozen to the sidewalk. 10. Just walk to fuckin' Florida. The only thing to fear there is Cuban drug lords and the occasional alligator. Auntie List #62 Ten things that usually don't happen on a Monday! 1. A janitor talks you into his trunk. 2. The Cream Elf takes it out and shows it off. 3. Lots of puppies get trapped in Tupperware and hibernate into monsters. 4. A tire salesman starts a fourth affair, this one with the chef at Pep Boys. 5. You get into a fight with a heavily-perfumed dandy and he beats on you for days until you agree that he's tastier than steak sauce. 6. Some leftover hours from Sunday seep in and evil football games kill millions. 7. Last year becomes even more of a mistake and now your car is rated PG-13. 8. You pork the Wicked Witch of the West just because she gave sworn statements that you didn't have the meat for it. 9. Dudley Do-Dick longs for Paris and its awkward pleasures. 10. Family Guy: The show that has been cancelled and brought back 59 times. Auntie List #63 Ten things that won't not happen in the future! 1. A little kid will give a book report about why his parents don't fuck anymore. 2. Disposable people will make death seem silly and cute and constant. 3. The hot breath of a squid on the back of your neck makes you get out of bed and go buy a canoe. 4. Human flesh-eating will increase by 730%. 5. Tinseltown will be renamed the Whore of Babylon. 6. Donald Duck will finally fix his moronic fuckin' voice. 7. 18 + 5 now equals 92. 8. If you get caught being fat you become a slave. 9. The ACLU will be replaced with a glow-in-the-dark softball league. 10. All traces of the Three Stooges will be wiped from existence forever. Auntie List #64 Ten cruel or funny things a person can do! 1. Use a screwdriver to chisel the word "fertile" into the side of the high school Principal's car. 2. Refuse to believe an astronomer when he says that stars and planets exist. 3. Fuck the shit out of someone's cat and then put it back as if nothing happened. 4. Run for mayor and then at the last second laugh and say you were fuckin' kidding. 5. Burn a cross on Mother Goose's lawn. 6. Send the Pope an autographed copy of the Satanic bible. 7. Sneak some peanut butter to an allergic friend and when he's safely in the hospital go after his girlfriend. 8. Fart like a bastard while waiting in line just because you know there's a midget standing behind you, complaining and absorbing the stench. 9. Give a lost motorist false directions and drive them right into gangland. 10. Rip off the head of a child's favorite toy doll and replace it with another head that has horrifying freako eyes and weird wild scary sharp teeth. Auntie List #65 Ten ways out of a haunted house! 1. Not the fuckin' cellar. You know, vampires. 2. Jump through a window and land in a leaking waterbed full of veterans from the First World War. 3. The wolfman will lead you to safety, but now you've got to do something for him!!!! 4. Dress up like your mother and just stab the living fuck out of that slutty whore who has the nerve to take a hot, dripping, sinful shower right in front of your peephole. 5. Did you ever see that movie where Barbara Hershey gets humped over and over again by a ghost? Man, I wish I was dead so I could do things like that. 6. A slave who really likes being a slave, if you get my meaning. 7. A tank fighting an experienced elephant to a draw. 8. You can catch gayness from a toilet seat, or so the legend says. 9. You go running down the stairs but a pair of tits with fangs is waiting for you at the bottom. 10. You've already killed 8 insurance salesmen, but here come 15 more. Auntie List #66 Ten things that usually don't happen at an amusement park! 1. They toss all the leftover plastic utensils into the cotton candy mix. 2. Ten different security guards shoot nine different people for walking too straight down the road. 3. All terrible things become justified in one blinding moment of sorrow. 4. A registered nurse allows a blood cult to take away her patients for sacrificial reassignment. 5. Ewoks don't mate for life, or even for the entire month. 6. A bald guy complains about getting killed on the Tea Cups ride. 7. Fuck E. Cheese decides to tell kids about fornication. 8. The Ferris Wheel snaps the neck of anyone thinking about watching. 9. A television set gets elected President, and no one dares unplug it. 10. If you compare your hands and wrists to others you'll always come up empty. Auntie List #67 Ten things you usually don't hear a pharmacist say! 1. "Fuckin' outside wind is just making me more pissed off." 2. "I dish pills to the main man of the area." 3. "This prescription will cause severe cramping of the jaw and prepared swelling of the rear leg glands." 4. "Be stroked it and it's nice and good." 5. "That'll be $4,000. That'll be $4,000." 6. "Mix the codeine with the shit and pack it tight and take off." 7. "I should really wear a padded uniform for something that's going to be like this." 8. "Try one from each bottle because it makes the day go by quicker." 9. "Enchanted salt water keeps those little fuckers away from my store. I hate anything young." 10. "I'm so fuckin' deaf that I give wrong drugs to everyone." Auntie List #68 Ten special things you can do for your sweetheart on Valentine's Day! 1. Go drinking the entire night and forget her name and bra size. 2. Mail her some bullet coupons you pulled from a copy of Army Times Magazine. 3. Chew on a socket wrench until your gums ache with relief. 4. Open 35 umbrellas indoors and watch evil luck come flying into your life. 5. Buy a Guinea pig and leave it in her purse as a natural surprise. 6. Select a hunchback to follow her around and groan out her name. 7. I think not having any emotions is so cool. 8. Allow her sexy no-morals roommate to handle you. 9. A radio that keeps spitting out astonishing telegrams about Ozzie Smith. 10. Stuff pillows under your shirt and be invulnerable to idioms. Auntie List #69 Ten new laws they just passed! It is now legal to... 1. Run around on the highway as long as no one learns your motives or sees your tastebuds. 2. Sell alcohol that was nothing but water and gasoline only two hours ago. 3. Drag a secretary over to your apartment and force her to read all your football notebooks. 4. Carpool until someone gets so annoyed that they pull the pin on the grenade. 5. Bury Alvin and the Chipmunks while they yet still live. However, it is now illegal to... 6. Soak your feet in the Pocahontas River. 7. Sit next to an old woman who can't control what comes out of her. 8. Look at a map after or before 6 P.M. on a weekday or weekend that falls within any month that has letters. 9. Stop a helicopter from following its heart. 10. Paint a picture of the number of women you think you should have fucked. Auntie List #70 Ten things I've noticed lately! 1. Icebergs are becoming very melted and gone. 2. A hung jury is when all 12 of them think that the defendant has a big innocent dick. 3. If I'm so cool, then why don't I ever get chicks? 4. Casinos don't care when I lose my life savings to them in 32 minutes. 5. Vinyl siding stops radiation and turns it into despair. 6. If an Indian gives you a blanket infected with smallpox, that's payback, and if you don't like it you can go the fuck back to Europe. 7. Visit a zoo and spank the monkey. 8. The other day a church held me down and picked my pockets. 9. Five blind donkeys all making love. 10. 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