Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book

Auntie List #51

Ten saints you've probably never heard of!

1. Saint Rub-a-Dub, the patron saint of taking baths in degenerate water.

2. Saint Pipe Williams, who made a woman believe in him one night in a hotel room much to Satan's delight.

3. Fuckleberry Hound, who dropped out of Clemson University to take over civilization.

4. Saint Liqueur, who has trouble standing up and there's always puke on his shirt.

5. Saint Ass Feeler, the patron saint of filth men who hide in the women's section at department stores.

6. Saint Doctor Hoo, the patron saint of binary nerds and wine enthusiasts.

7. Saint Sweetly Kindness, the patron saint of shotgun-related hunting accidents that weren't.

8. The cow jumped over the Moon right into a fuckin' frying pan.

9. Saint Okay, the patron saint of no panties and unlimited sluts.

10. Saint Fatness, the patron saint of extra helpings and bottomless shits.

Auntie List #52

Ten things you might hear said at a fat person's dinner party!

1. "Don't even bother cooking it. I'm not going to wait because I'd rather die first."

2. "My chest really hurts. Are you gonna eat that? My chest really hurts."

3. "Due to my wideness I'll have to leave via the garage door exit."

4. "I can't stop sweating, even after I ate three sticks of deodorant."

5. "My stomach swallowed my dick, I assume. Oh, well. Didn't use it anyway."

6. "Even as they were chopping off my feet I was on two phones with Sal's Pizza."

7. "Just dump in your pants. It's not our fault that the skinny idiots who built this place put the bathroom up a flight of four steps."

8. "Get the fuck away from that roll, and somebody get me some fuckin' insulin quick."

9. "I'm on a new special diet. I eat all I want and keep getting fatter."

10. "I ate the utensils. I thought we were allowed to. No, I ate the plates, too. Licking them clean wasn't nearly satisfying enough."

Auntie List #53

Ten things that usually aren't said by corpses in a cemetery!

1. "They buried me 12 hours before I died."

2. "The moles down here are incredibly huge."

3. "I was in favor of necrophilia when I was alive, but now that I'm dead I'm not."

4. "Prick-sniffing doctor stole my organs, and now I can't get out of Purgatory."

5. "Once we zombie it up I'm going to eat all the world leaders."

6. "It's okay. I was fucked into this."

7. "Ha, ha! All those bill collectors can kiss my smoking candle! Oh, darn. Rats just ate most of me."

8. "During my autopsy I was felt up like an altar boy."

9. "My fuckin' wife better not start bawling my brother."

10. "This is way better than the lousy job I used to have."

Auntie List #54

Ten things that could lead to something bad!

1. Goldfish go to Mardi Gras and come back as submarines wearing beads.

2. The NASA scientists partied hard last night and left out 42% of the rocket that's going up that morning.

3. A ballerina with a weak exoskeleton falls down and the screams echo in the frosty air.

4. The meat patties are switched on a Whopper and Big Mac.

5. The car is empty, yet the windows are all foggy and it's bouncing up and down.

6. MapQuest lends a hand in getting someone 1,659 miles lost.

7. You're talking to a phone sex girl when all of a sudden you hear male.

8. PBS is redistributed as "The Copulation Station."

9. Whatsoever whatever is shoved down the furry hot pants of a He-Man doll.

10. Lee Press-On Breasts fall off right in the middle of an engagement party.

Auntie List #55

Ten things that may indicate that you've been abducted by aliens!

1. You wake up, yawn, and then notice the giant electronic device humming in your ass.

2. You're mysteriously pregnant again, although that could be a result of that gang bang-off you had on consecutive nights down at Finney's Pub.

3. Your tits are all loose and raw and feel like they've been pulled on for hours.

4. There's like 5 Chucky dolls trying to get into the house.

5. Your underwear is on your head and a Han Solo toy phaser belt is hugging your waist.

6. There's a stench coming from the bathroom that can only be extra-terrestrial.

7. All the appliances in your house can now talk except for the phone and TV, which can now breathe.

8. There's several "Touched by Uranus" labels all over your body.

9. The judge doesn't take your age into consideration.

10. The guy who fixes your furnace mentions that he likes to rent hotel rooms for only thirty minutes.

Auntie List #56

Ten secrets to success!

1. Go into people's houses and find things that you dishonestly think they don't want and sell them.

2. Drink like a drinking fish until you have no family.

3. Trot off to Vegas and gamble so much and pay no one back and eventually there's a contract out on your life.

4. Okay, here's the real truth: My name is Dick Hurtz and I come from the town of Intercourse, Penisvania.

5. If she lotions her legs in front of me one more time I'm going to go into my room, shut the door, and do something about it.

6. Help the cops solve crimes that have already been solved.

7. "Where's Baldo?" never caught on because you could always see his hairless dome shining in the crowd.

8. That fuckin' waiter wearing the fuckin' turban never gives me any fuckin' respect.

9. Try to sell grade-school candy bars to hospital patients on life support.

10. Whoops! Looks like you cut yourself again while attempting to fix that old Nintendo system.

Auntie List #57

Ten things a talking parrot might say!

1. "That's another music video that gets me off."

2. "Dumpin' all over the New York Times, baby. B-B-Bottom of the cage."

3. "Polly wants the crack of your rump. I can bite pretty hard with this beak."

4. "Christ! There's hawks and wolves and blue jays out there! Close the fuckin' door!"

5. "She's not coming back, Henry. Remember, I read the letter, too."

6. "Why did I pull all my feathers out? WHO THE FUCK WOULDN'T?!"

7. "It was on the news that a high school pep rally imploded."

8. "I have to pick things up with my mouth. That's disgusting."

9. "All you can hope for now is another abusive relationship."

10. "I'm not related to dinosaurs and don't you dare fuckin' say that again."

Auntie List #58

Ten things that might happen at a monster party!

1. Frankenstein brags to all the honeys that he's cool-fuel injected, but in reality his sewed-on hanged convict dick fell off years ago.

2. Dracula dresses in a tight pink cape ever since he drank some fag's blood.

3. Sean Hannity soon arrives with a host of other demons.

4. The Wolf Man isn't there because he's busy totaling his Mercedes in Mexico.

5. The Invisible Alcoholic went out on the patio to cry.

6. The most frightening guests of all are the Detroit Lions.

7. The Creature from the Black Lagoon is so wasted that he doesn't even realize he's hitting on a closet door.

8. The Elephant Man hooks up with the entire female cast of "Heroes."

9. Ralph Nader and Ross Perot set their sights on 2016, when the great flood will wash away all other candidates before November.

10. Several animal sacrifices are made to Maxim Online and YouTube.

Auntie List #59

Ten things you didn't know about the Wizard of Oz characters!

1. After the Cowardly Lion got courage he proved it by killing people who couldn't run away fast enough.

2. Glinda the Good Witch of the North had to multiply sleep with the director just to stay in the country.

3. Auntie Em was drunk the whole time and didn't give a fuck.

4. Toto? Wasn't that the name of some band from the 70's or 80's?

5. The Scarecrow was lit on fire while running for High Priestess of Vermont.

6. Dorothy went through 13 husbands and never once had a real orgasm.

7. The Wicked Witch of the West, after being melted into a puddle, went on to star as the raft in "Creepshow 2" and then became Diane Keaton.

8. Uncle Henry was drafted into the Waffen-SS and did things that can't be forgiven.

9. The Tin Man heated himself up and burned a hole through the side of Fort Knox, but was later defeated by a watering hose and sold as screaming scrap iron to the Greek Navy.

10. The Grand Imperial Wizard of Oz enslaved the Munchkins and laughed when they called him a cereal rapist.

Auntie List #60

Ten things that might have been said at one time in the White House!

1. "What missing minutes? Oh, fuck, those."

2. "Afghanistan: Check. Iraq: Check. Okay, who's next?"

3. "Look, just swallow it. I mean, after all, I am the fuckin' President here."

4. "I caught Thomas Jefferson banging the shit out of one of his slaves. He tried to say he didn't like it, but that bullshit artist doesn't fool me."

5. "I offered to sell them Arkansas but they just laughed in my face."

6. "They say Fillmore likes a backed-up sink, if you catch my drift."

7. "Great idea, asshole! Now what are we going to do with all these $91-dollar bills?!"

8. "We have to wait. Dolly Bitcho isn't ready yet."

9. "That's impossible. Nobody's twelve inches, not even first thing in the morning."

10. "What say we have our own little Bay of Pigs right here, baby?"


	Auntie List #51 Ten saints you've probably never heard of! 1. Saint Rub-a-Dub, the patron saint of taking baths in degenerate water. 2. Saint Pipe Williams, who made a woman believe in him one night in a hotel room much to Satan's delight. 3. Fuckleberry Hound, who dropped out of Clemson University to take over civilization. 4. Saint Liqueur, who has trouble standing up and there's always puke on his shirt. 5. Saint Ass Feeler, the patron saint of filth men who hide in the women's section at department stores. 6. Saint Doctor Hoo, the patron saint of binary nerds and wine enthusiasts. 7. Saint Sweetly Kindness, the patron saint of shotgun-related hunting accidents that weren't. 8. The cow jumped over the Moon right into a fuckin' frying pan. 9. Saint Okay, the patron saint of no panties and unlimited sluts. 10. Saint Fatness, the patron saint of extra helpings and bottomless shits. Auntie List #52 Ten things you might hear said at a fat person's dinner party! 1. "Don't even bother cooking it. I'm not going to wait because I'd rather die first." 2. "My chest really hurts. Are you gonna eat that? My chest really hurts." 3. "Due to my wideness I'll have to leave via the garage door exit." 4. "I can't stop sweating, even after I ate three sticks of deodorant." 5. "My stomach swallowed my dick, I assume. Oh, well. Didn't use it anyway." 6. "Even as they were chopping off my feet I was on two phones with Sal's Pizza." 7. "Just dump in your pants. It's not our fault that the skinny idiots who built this place put the bathroom up a flight of four steps." 8. "Get the fuck away from that roll, and somebody get me some fuckin' insulin quick." 9. "I'm on a new special diet. I eat all I want and keep getting fatter." 10. "I ate the utensils. I thought we were allowed to. No, I ate the plates, too. Licking them clean wasn't nearly satisfying enough." Auntie List #53 Ten things that usually aren't said by corpses in a cemetery! 1. "They buried me 12 hours before I died." 2. "The moles down here are incredibly huge." 3. "I was in favor of necrophilia when I was alive, but now that I'm dead I'm not." 4. "Prick-sniffing doctor stole my organs, and now I can't get out of Purgatory." 5. "Once we zombie it up I'm going to eat all the world leaders." 6. "It's okay. I was fucked into this." 7. "Ha, ha! All those bill collectors can kiss my smoking candle! Oh, darn. Rats just ate most of me." 8. "During my autopsy I was felt up like an altar boy." 9. "My fuckin' wife better not start bawling my brother." 10. "This is way better than the lousy job I used to have." Auntie List #54 Ten things that could lead to something bad! 1. Goldfish go to Mardi Gras and come back as submarines wearing beads. 2. The NASA scientists partied hard last night and left out 42% of the rocket that's going up that morning. 3. A ballerina with a weak exoskeleton falls down and the screams echo in the frosty air. 4. The meat patties are switched on a Whopper and Big Mac. 5. The car is empty, yet the windows are all foggy and it's bouncing up and down. 6. MapQuest lends a hand in getting someone 1,659 miles lost. 7. You're talking to a phone sex girl when all of a sudden you hear male. 8. PBS is redistributed as "The Copulation Station." 9. Whatsoever whatever is shoved down the furry hot pants of a He-Man doll. 10. Lee Press-On Breasts fall off right in the middle of an engagement party. Auntie List #55 Ten things that may indicate that you've been abducted by aliens! 1. You wake up, yawn, and then notice the giant electronic device humming in your ass. 2. You're mysteriously pregnant again, although that could be a result of that gang bang-off you had on consecutive nights down at Finney's Pub. 3. Your tits are all loose and raw and feel like they've been pulled on for hours. 4. There's like 5 Chucky dolls trying to get into the house. 5. Your underwear is on your head and a Han Solo toy phaser belt is hugging your waist. 6. There's a stench coming from the bathroom that can only be extra-terrestrial. 7. All the appliances in your house can now talk except for the phone and TV, which can now breathe. 8. There's several "Touched by Uranus" labels all over your body. 9. The judge doesn't take your age into consideration. 10. The guy who fixes your furnace mentions that he likes to rent hotel rooms for only thirty minutes. Auntie List #56 Ten secrets to success! 1. Go into people's houses and find things that you dishonestly think they don't want and sell them. 2. Drink like a drinking fish until you have no family. 3. Trot off to Vegas and gamble so much and pay no one back and eventually there's a contract out on your life. 4. Okay, here's the real truth: My name is Dick Hurtz and I come from the town of Intercourse, Penisvania. 5. If she lotions her legs in front of me one more time I'm going to go into my room, shut the door, and do something about it. 6. Help the cops solve crimes that have already been solved. 7. "Where's Baldo?" never caught on because you could always see his hairless dome shining in the crowd. 8. That fuckin' waiter wearing the fuckin' turban never gives me any fuckin' respect. 9. Try to sell grade-school candy bars to hospital patients on life support. 10. Whoops! Looks like you cut yourself again while attempting to fix that old Nintendo system. Auntie List #57 Ten things a talking parrot might say! 1. "That's another music video that gets me off." 2. "Dumpin' all over the New York Times, baby. B-B-Bottom of the cage." 3. "Polly wants the crack of your rump. I can bite pretty hard with this beak." 4. "Christ! There's hawks and wolves and blue jays out there! Close the fuckin' door!" 5. "She's not coming back, Henry. Remember, I read the letter, too." 6. "Why did I pull all my feathers out? WHO THE FUCK WOULDN'T?!" 7. "It was on the news that a high school pep rally imploded." 8. "I have to pick things up with my mouth. That's disgusting." 9. "All you can hope for now is another abusive relationship." 10. "I'm not related to dinosaurs and don't you dare fuckin' say that again." Auntie List #58 Ten things that might happen at a monster party! 1. Frankenstein brags to all the honeys that he's cool-fuel injected, but in reality his sewed-on hanged convict dick fell off years ago. 2. Dracula dresses in a tight pink cape ever since he drank some fag's blood. 3. Sean Hannity soon arrives with a host of other demons. 4. The Wolf Man isn't there because he's busy totaling his Mercedes in Mexico. 5. The Invisible Alcoholic went out on the patio to cry. 6. The most frightening guests of all are the Detroit Lions. 7. The Creature from the Black Lagoon is so wasted that he doesn't even realize he's hitting on a closet door. 8. The Elephant Man hooks up with the entire female cast of "Heroes." 9. Ralph Nader and Ross Perot set their sights on 2016, when the great flood will wash away all other candidates before November. 10. Several animal sacrifices are made to Maxim Online and YouTube. Auntie List #59 Ten things you didn't know about the Wizard of Oz characters! 1. After the Cowardly Lion got courage he proved it by killing people who couldn't run away fast enough. 2. Glinda the Good Witch of the North had to multiply sleep with the director just to stay in the country. 3. Auntie Em was drunk the whole time and didn't give a fuck. 4. Toto? Wasn't that the name of some band from the 70's or 80's? 5. The Scarecrow was lit on fire while running for High Priestess of Vermont. 6. Dorothy went through 13 husbands and never once had a real orgasm. 7. The Wicked Witch of the West, after being melted into a puddle, went on to star as the raft in "Creepshow 2" and then became Diane Keaton. 8. Uncle Henry was drafted into the Waffen-SS and did things that can't be forgiven. 9. The Tin Man heated himself up and burned a hole through the side of Fort Knox, but was later defeated by a watering hose and sold as screaming scrap iron to the Greek Navy. 10. The Grand Imperial Wizard of Oz enslaved the Munchkins and laughed when they called him a cereal rapist. Auntie List #60 Ten things that might have been said at one time in the White House! 1. "What missing minutes? Oh, fuck, those." 2. "Afghanistan: Check. Iraq: Check. Okay, who's next?" 3. "Look, just swallow it. I mean, after all, I am the fuckin' President here." 4. "I caught Thomas Jefferson banging the shit out of one of his slaves. He tried to say he didn't like it, but that bullshit artist doesn't fool me." 5. "I offered to sell them Arkansas but they just laughed in my face." 6. "They say Fillmore likes a backed-up sink, if you catch my drift." 7. "Great idea, asshole! Now what are we going to do with all these $91-dollar bills?!" 8. "We have to wait. Dolly Bitcho isn't ready yet." 9. "That's impossible. Nobody's twelve inches, not even first thing in the morning." 10. "What say we have our own little Bay of Pigs right here, baby?" \| Return Home \| Auntie Lists #1-10 \| Auntie Lists#11-20 \| Auntie Lists#21-30 \| Auntie Lists#31-40 \| Latest Auntie Lists! \| Auntie Lists#41-50 \| Auntie Lists#51-60 \| Auntie Lists#61-70 \| Auntie Lists# 71-80 \| Auntie List Items \| Links Page \| Hot Buttered Midgets \| Auntie Lists# 81-90 \| Ugly Bernard \| Auntie Lists# 91-101 \| Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 \| The Bogus News! \| Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book \|