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Auntie List #51 Ten things most parents don't want to hear their children say! 1. "I told that coven of witches who live next door that it was okay to let the Devil come over and fuck Mom. Prepare her for the Dark One's dark dick." 2. "The dog has locked itself in the attic again and refuses to come out." 3. "Don't pay any attention to those stains on my skirt. They're not anything." 4. "Dad, me and Billy were playing with your pet gun, and now my ass has two holes." 5. "That homeless bum I brought home is addicted to fire." 6. "I quit school by telling them that you're the head of a terrorist cell." 7. "Three football players got me pregnant, and also an assistant coach from the other team." 8. "Found out that ring of yours is fake. Guy at the pawn shop called it the cheapest crap he's ever seen. Sold it anyway, though. Got dealers to pay." 9. "I can't stop tattooing myself. It's up to like 50 now." 10. "I like staring at bridges, and playing with forks, 'cause it doesn't remind me of anything." Auntie List #52 Ten signs that will let you know that your spouse is cheating on you! 1. You come home and they're fucking someone else in your bed. 2. He's covered with so much lipstick that you can't see his face or appointments. 3. Every time she goes to the market she puts on kneepads and a girlish grin. 4. The family cat turns into a Yeti. 5. You see a lone dick running away from your house in the cool haunting darkness of the night. 6. The words "HE FUCKED SOME OTHER BITCH" are written on the Moon in excellent Serbian lettering. 7. A robber who broke into your toolshed mentions it 90 times before he flees backwards. 8. New babies start to appear and the stork denies his involvement profusely. 9. He wears several layers of condoms at all times and in all ways. 10. You open the freezer door and a hiding dwarf falls out onto the floor. Auntie List #53 Ten things you don't usually see in the ocean! 1. An emotional and lonely sperm whale trying to make it with a singles cruise ship. 2. A giant bragging that he's too tall to drown or fuck. 3. Seaweed that is 70 times more powerful and jolly than regular weed. 4. A tidal wave frozen in mid-air, and it's knocking down stupid seagulls who keep flying into it looking for crackers. 5. The Prick Islands, which move away from you when you attempt to land on them. 6. Captain Ahab and some salty 17-year old topless mermaids having a great time riding his vessel. 7. A bent, crooked black guy moonwalking all the way to China. 8. Papa Smurf clinging to a big overturned mushroom. 9. The Crack-Cocaine Shark, back from a night of stealing TVs. 10. Santa Claus, vowing murderous revenge on the elf that gave him such fucked-up directions. Auntie List #54 Ten things that may let you know that your hot new girlfriend is really a magical witch! 1. Fresh flowers grow out of her snatch every morning and you're not really sure whether you should pick them or not. 2. Werewolves and monsters keep dropping by, scaring the living shit out of you and your iguana. 3. She sheds her breasts every night for a bigger, greener pair. 4. With a wiggle of her nose your dick turns to concrete, which is fine until you have to take a piss. 5. There's a major article about it on the back of an open cereal box. 6. After going down on her you develop warts all over your tongue. 7. There's poison apples and talking mirrors all over the fuckin' apartment. 8. She has a big drawing of Q-Bert across her ass. 9. Her mother is 926 bitchy years old, and she smells every minute of it. 10. She loves the feeling of a long wooden broom vibrating between her legs. Auntie List #55 Ten things that most people wouldn't want to receive in the mail! 1. A note which briefly explains how they're coming to get you and totally do you to pieces. 2. The bloody murder weapon, and the police just pulled up already firing and reading rights. 3. An unhangupable telephone call that keeps telling you dreadful things. 4. "She took him by the hand, and led him upstairs. Both of them undressed as they walked in heated excitement." 5. Jury Duty 109 fuckin' days in a row, and most of those days are your wedding and vacation and weekends. 6. Some unfamiliar guy's dick in a hot dog bun, and the bun is stale, or was, anyway. 7. Jehovah's Witnesses who just will not go the fuck away. 8. Banana-scented anal cream that might have been used on you or your ass one bad night and day. 9. A traffic ticket from Denmark, but how? 10. Your chum's cum, which doesn't make him much of a chum. Auntie List #56 Ten facts you probably didn't know about Bigfoot! 1. His feet aren't the only thing that's big. Really big. Like, huge, man. 2. After visiting the chiropractor he always refuses to pay because they're not real doctors. 3. If he finds a camper alone he'll take complete advantage of them right there in the tent. 4. He can knock out a herd of bears with one mighty slap. 5. He shits while walking because he can never stop. 6. After stumbling into a patch of Poison Ivy he always says "Oh, fuck! Now what the fuck do I do?! Fuck?" 7. Once upon a time he asked your grandmother to spread 'em and she greedily did. 8. A brand new race of people who worship the Rose Bowl. 9. He beats off to the sound of Jay Leno's voice. 10. For the last 39 years he's been desperately looking for a new TV remote because his old one hasn't worked since he bit it. Auntie List #57 Ten things you probably won't see at the Playboy Mansion! 1. Yourself, because life doesn't like you when you're poor. 2. Charlie Tuna spawning right there in the hot tub. 3. Everyone is dressed and reading books about not having sex in a big pile. 4. Several faithless preachers sleeping in a huge wok. 5. A little chestnut girl who wants to harm the world into an explosion. 6. The entire Minnesota Vikings team sneaking out the back door onto a pleasure yacht. 7. Cinderella turning back into a man at midnight, and the guy she's in bed with isn't happy. 8. A Finnish biology teacher who is studying slam-fucking while hanging from the ceiling. 9. A rodeo clown wearing one sock and six parachutes. 10. Little Red Riding Hood and her two college friends acting like three little pigs. Auntie List #58 Ten things that usually don't happen at a funeral! 1. The body climbs out of the casket and asks repeatedly why it was embalmed through its penis. 2. Hawaiian Punch starts dripping from the walls because the funeral director dates cheap women. 3. Somebody brings a lion and Cousin Dotty gets pawed across the throat. 4. There's so much laughter that it can't be wrong. 5. Barbara Bush sends a bouquet of onion rings. 6. This porn star tells everyone that she makes porno movies. 7. If you see a blue rhinoceros, what part of the world are you in? 8. Zombies always get the best seats right up front. 9. An autopsy is performed with a plastic toy stethoscope and the doctor declares that the cause of death was tickling. 10. A drunken leprechaun asks if he can stick the bride. Auntie List #59 Ten things that usually don't fall from the sky! 1. Drop-acid rain, which has been known to alter reality in a really looped fuckin' way. 2. A blonde tennis pro named Bunchy. 3. Mashed potatoes that ruin the new clothes you just shoplifted. 4. Alien shit that was flushed out of the septic tank of a UFO, and it's glowing green and stuff and has corn in it. 5. An angel carrying a bag of dirty sex sandwiches. 6. Airplanes that refuse to follow orders anymore. 7. An enormous Atari 2600, because God finally bought a new game system. 8. Most of the planet Jupiter, including the hot parts. 9. Your hopes and dreams in knife form. 10. A massive black cloud that reaches down and takes people. Auntie List #60 Ten sexual fantasies and the people who have them! 1. A really gay Navy boy who prays that one day he'll get a torpedo up his ass. 2. A garbageman who just doesn't want to smell like horror any longer. 3. A surprising nun who wishes that the Devil would make her do him. 4. A computer technician who'd kill for one blissful night with C-3PO. 5. A little kid who wants his teacher to give him head while he's doing homework. 6. Myself finding four nickels in the street, since that's the only fantasy that I can afford right now. 7. The Pope, who wants to be forced to mate with transparent women from another dimension. 8. A frog that wants to fuck a toad, and a toad that wants to fuck a Cobra or a crocodile. 9. Mickey Mouse, who dreams of being pinned to the floor by Goofy while watching the World's Strongest Man Competition. 10. 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