Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book

Auntie List #41

Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see!

1. POWERFUL WINDS BLOW EVERYONE IN TOWN

Well, okay

2. OPTOMETRIST TEARFULLY ADMITS THAT IT'S BETTER TO BE BLIND THAN TO WEAR GLASSES

Erections never last

3. CARNIVAL COLLIDES WITH FREAK SHOW

Midgets and clowns laying all over the place

4. TRIPLE HOMICIDE AT FAMILY BARBECUE CAUSED BY THE OLD "DICK-IN-THE-BUN" ROUTINE

Purple acid rain melts little red corvette

5. EARTH'S EQUATOR WILDLY UPSIDE DOWN

Luckily no one important lives there

6. PAT RILEY MADE OUT OF PORCELAIN AND MARBLE

Night skiing leads to a coffin

7. CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT IN WALT DISNEY WORLD

Dumb time traveler probably alters existence for the worse

8. BUNK BEDS ARE DESIGNED TO CONTROL YOUR MIND THROUGH HEIGHT

Forces under Goofy lay siege to Epcot Center

9. ST, PATRICK'S DAY PARADE KEPT STOPPING AT ALL THE BARS

It took weeks to go two miles

10. EINSTEIN WAS A SEX PERVERT WHO NAMED HIS COCK "MR. MISTER"

Goofy is the new Messiah and Clive Barker is his prophet

Auntie List #42

Ten ways to get out of jury duty!

1. Agree to crawl under the judge's robe and punch his knees.

2. You're so fuckin' prejudice against all forms of life on all planets.

3. Go to the bathroom and there you stay until late.

4. Talk endlessly about how you caught a piss-caused skin rash at one of those family water parks.

5. Liquid odor pours from the pits of a fat man's arms.

6. Teeth-smilingly mention to the chick next to you that it would feel good to get it sucked.

7. If they look guilty, they are. That's how we tell.

8. There's lots of hair growing out of the center of the prosecutor's

hands.

9. Mafia guys give me money and Jimmy Smashetti is free to murder again.

10. If you shit your pants there's no way they'll pick you.

Auntie List #43

Ten things that usually don't happen when you first wake up in the morning!

1. Your boss calls and says that no matter what you're 20 hours late.

2. Wet spots in the bed, wet spots on the floor.

3. All the rust in the orange juice makes your ribs bleed.

4. You were whipped during the night and the pain just got here.

5. You can't eat the pretzels because the salt level is phenomenal.

6. A bottle of something got knocked over and its momentum has spread all over the house.

7. You're still thinking about that Cinemax movie you beat off to months ago.

8. MLB made a huge mistake awarding a franchise to that city in Antarctica.

9. The shower's broken so just wash up in the microwave.

10. During the reading of the comics you notice that Hagar the Horrible stabbed someone in the gentle area.

Auntie List #44

Ten rotten things I've come to learn about life!

1. You can't outdrink someone who's 538 pounds and used to it.

2. I knew there was no god the minute he let Apollo Creed die in "Rocky IV."

3. Every time I mail a letter it's returned with the words "so useless" stamped on it in red ink.

4. She's always going to screw someone else because she always does.

5. The Tennessee State Police can't do anything right.

6. Most suicides receive standing ovations.

7. No matter what I'm going to catch malaria, so why bother?

8. Going outside leads to being there, and we can't have that.

9. I went to cash my check the other day and the bank teller told me no.

10. I knew there was no hope the minute Apollo Creed died in "Predator."

Auntie List #45

Ten things that seldom happen during the running of a marathon!

1. A brilliant fuck with a pogo stick breaks out on top and never looks back.

2. All the land mines keep going off even when they're not stepped on or ordered to.

3. Instead of handing out cups of water one guy from Mississippi just stands on a way-tall chair and pisses on the runners as they go by.

4. Chuck E. Cheese was winning until his uterus burst.

5. Everyone stops watching the race and begins watching five and a half people fucking in two cars.

6. Nobody can ever finish because they forgot to make a finish line.

7. A hermit crab finally comes out of his shell and starts telling distasteful jokes about ethnic women.

8. The never-say-die scrappy underdog who nobody thought could win does the impossible and still comes in dead last.

9. There were some pigeons hanging around so the President called in air strikes.

10. One day people will say that Vin Doctor gave birth to the 22nd century.

Auntie List #46

Ten facts about astronomy that you probably didn't know!

1. Now that those scientific whores took away my Pluto where am I supposed to wish I lived?!

2. Sam I Am has a really gay nightclub named after and under him.

3. I made a wish upon a star and 30 bad things happened in a row.

4. They blew up the Bridge to Terabithia because the Japanese wanted to use it.

5. Goldilocks met Red Riding Hood, and, well, they're in bed with the picnic basket.

6. It turned out that the telescope wasn't broken, I just had it pointed at a brick wall.

7. Bald guys are mad at the Moon because it came too close and ripped off their hair.

8. The aliens who crashed at Roswell all took the form of Greg Kinnear.

9. Once we extinct the clouds there's nothing left to do but panic and kill.

10. Hitler used the satellite "Sputnik" to escape to Mars, where he constructed a cage to catch both Bizarro and Bizarro World.

Auntie List #47

Ten things you probably shouldn't say on a first date!

1. "Do you like my mondo wad of meat-scented gum? Everyone doesn't."

2. "I heard that not having steady sex with me will cause knocker reduction."

3. "Uncle Rico is a character that's only going to get better and better."

4. "I've been in 26 police line-ups in the last 50 hours."

5. "Mind if I slip into something more comfortable, like your ass?"

6. "Let's keep naming Canadian Prime Ministers until one of us faints."

7. "Books ain't even smart enough to teach me nuthin'."

8. "I had to use a whole pack of magic markers just to make this beard. That's why some of my face is yellow and some is orange and the rest is Deep Blue Something."

9. "They should take the vote away from women and give it to my dick."

10. "My knife's so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away."

Auntie List #48

Ten people who could walk through the door right now!

1. A knife collector who's sad because he hasn't had anything in 16 years.

2. The Gingerbread Man's friendly friend, the Pillsbury Blow Boy, and, I might add, soft whiteness.

3. Hamlet, but this time he's not intelligent enough to figure out what he's secretly speaking or talking.

4. They say that the Cadillac is the Cadillac of cars....wait, I fucked that up, right? I'm used to that. No women.

5. A bullfighter whose only practiced on wounded badgers and shattered streetlights.

6. "Anyone seen my hot air balloon? Fuckin' thing ran away. Help!!!!"

7. A guitarist who faithfully finds bad music settling in his tuba.

8. Parade Magazine could ward off vampires, or inertia.

9. Charles Schwab's life force, clubbing useless seals without the help of Benedict Arnold.

10. Moist Rider, the only comic book hero Switzerland recognizes.

Auntie List #49

Ten things that could happen at a lesbian slumber party!

1. One-two-three-four, I declare a fingering war.

2. A stud named Hammerlock muscles his way in and fixes them.

3. A female angel appears and says that they're against nature, but then she gets eaten out and changes God's message on her own.

4. They all take a shower together and use the same bar of soap.

5. A giant smiling squirting penis chases them around and makes them scream.

6. There stands Janet Reno, like a butch goddess.

7. The Banana Splits car jumps the curb and takes out the whole front porch.

8. They call an ambulance since one chick has like nine fake ones rammed in her.

9. Whenever they order pizza it's always extra-extra anchovy.

10. The movie "Frankenhooker" is a dream on screen.

Auntie List #50

Ten things you didn't know about the ancient world!

1. No matter what, the Greeks were always behind you.

2. Julius Caesar was shot 62 times by Vampire Hunter C.

3. One of the Ten Commandments says that sexual burglary is fine.

4. Cleopatra banged more balls than a fuckin' pool table.

5. There was no ocean back then. Just big long driveways and a coat warehouse.

6. The Pilgrims landed in Australia and immediately began fighting crocodiles and reason.

7. There were no schools so kids just played video games to death.

8. Jesus was crucified by the tabloids because he tried to turn Michael Jackson back to black.

9. Native Americans worshipped three different types of A-Bomb.

10. Asia smelled even worse than it does today.


	Auntie List #41 Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see! 1. POWERFUL WINDS BLOW EVERYONE IN TOWN Well, okay 2. OPTOMETRIST TEARFULLY ADMITS THAT IT'S BETTER TO BE BLIND THAN TO WEAR GLASSES Erections never last 3. CARNIVAL COLLIDES WITH FREAK SHOW Midgets and clowns laying all over the place 4. TRIPLE HOMICIDE AT FAMILY BARBECUE CAUSED BY THE OLD "DICK-IN-THE-BUN" ROUTINE Purple acid rain melts little red corvette 5. EARTH'S EQUATOR WILDLY UPSIDE DOWN Luckily no one important lives there 6. PAT RILEY MADE OUT OF PORCELAIN AND MARBLE Night skiing leads to a coffin 7. CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT IN WALT DISNEY WORLD Dumb time traveler probably alters existence for the worse 8. BUNK BEDS ARE DESIGNED TO CONTROL YOUR MIND THROUGH HEIGHT Forces under Goofy lay siege to Epcot Center 9. ST, PATRICK'S DAY PARADE KEPT STOPPING AT ALL THE BARS It took weeks to go two miles 10. EINSTEIN WAS A SEX PERVERT WHO NAMED HIS COCK "MR. MISTER" Goofy is the new Messiah and Clive Barker is his prophet Auntie List #42 Ten ways to get out of jury duty! 1. Agree to crawl under the judge's robe and punch his knees. 2. You're so fuckin' prejudice against all forms of life on all planets. 3. Go to the bathroom and there you stay until late. 4. Talk endlessly about how you caught a piss-caused skin rash at one of those family water parks. 5. Liquid odor pours from the pits of a fat man's arms. 6. Teeth-smilingly mention to the chick next to you that it would feel good to get it sucked. 7. If they look guilty, they are. That's how we tell. 8. There's lots of hair growing out of the center of the prosecutor's hands. 9. Mafia guys give me money and Jimmy Smashetti is free to murder again. 10. If you shit your pants there's no way they'll pick you. Auntie List #43 Ten things that usually don't happen when you first wake up in the morning! 1. Your boss calls and says that no matter what you're 20 hours late. 2. Wet spots in the bed, wet spots on the floor. 3. All the rust in the orange juice makes your ribs bleed. 4. You were whipped during the night and the pain just got here. 5. You can't eat the pretzels because the salt level is phenomenal. 6. A bottle of something got knocked over and its momentum has spread all over the house. 7. You're still thinking about that Cinemax movie you beat off to months ago. 8. MLB made a huge mistake awarding a franchise to that city in Antarctica. 9. The shower's broken so just wash up in the microwave. 10. During the reading of the comics you notice that Hagar the Horrible stabbed someone in the gentle area. Auntie List #44 Ten rotten things I've come to learn about life! 1. You can't outdrink someone who's 538 pounds and used to it. 2. I knew there was no god the minute he let Apollo Creed die in "Rocky IV." 3. Every time I mail a letter it's returned with the words "so useless" stamped on it in red ink. 4. She's always going to screw someone else because she always does. 5. The Tennessee State Police can't do anything right. 6. Most suicides receive standing ovations. 7. No matter what I'm going to catch malaria, so why bother? 8. Going outside leads to being there, and we can't have that. 9. I went to cash my check the other day and the bank teller told me no. 10. I knew there was no hope the minute Apollo Creed died in "Predator." Auntie List #45 Ten things that seldom happen during the running of a marathon! 1. A brilliant fuck with a pogo stick breaks out on top and never looks back. 2. All the land mines keep going off even when they're not stepped on or ordered to. 3. Instead of handing out cups of water one guy from Mississippi just stands on a way-tall chair and pisses on the runners as they go by. 4. Chuck E. Cheese was winning until his uterus burst. 5. Everyone stops watching the race and begins watching five and a half people fucking in two cars. 6. Nobody can ever finish because they forgot to make a finish line. 7. A hermit crab finally comes out of his shell and starts telling distasteful jokes about ethnic women. 8. The never-say-die scrappy underdog who nobody thought could win does the impossible and still comes in dead last. 9. There were some pigeons hanging around so the President called in air strikes. 10. One day people will say that Vin Doctor gave birth to the 22nd century. Auntie List #46 Ten facts about astronomy that you probably didn't know! 1. Now that those scientific whores took away my Pluto where am I supposed to wish I lived?! 2. Sam I Am has a really gay nightclub named after and under him. 3. I made a wish upon a star and 30 bad things happened in a row. 4. They blew up the Bridge to Terabithia because the Japanese wanted to use it. 5. Goldilocks met Red Riding Hood, and, well, they're in bed with the picnic basket. 6. It turned out that the telescope wasn't broken, I just had it pointed at a brick wall. 7. Bald guys are mad at the Moon because it came too close and ripped off their hair. 8. The aliens who crashed at Roswell all took the form of Greg Kinnear. 9. Once we extinct the clouds there's nothing left to do but panic and kill. 10. Hitler used the satellite "Sputnik" to escape to Mars, where he constructed a cage to catch both Bizarro and Bizarro World. Auntie List #47 Ten things you probably shouldn't say on a first date! 1. "Do you like my mondo wad of meat-scented gum? Everyone doesn't." 2. "I heard that not having steady sex with me will cause knocker reduction." 3. "Uncle Rico is a character that's only going to get better and better." 4. "I've been in 26 police line-ups in the last 50 hours." 5. "Mind if I slip into something more comfortable, like your ass?" 6. "Let's keep naming Canadian Prime Ministers until one of us faints." 7. "Books ain't even smart enough to teach me nuthin'." 8. "I had to use a whole pack of magic markers just to make this beard. That's why some of my face is yellow and some is orange and the rest is Deep Blue Something." 9. "They should take the vote away from women and give it to my dick." 10. "My knife's so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away." Auntie List #48 Ten people who could walk through the door right now! 1. A knife collector who's sad because he hasn't had anything in 16 years. 2. The Gingerbread Man's friendly friend, the Pillsbury Blow Boy, and, I might add, soft whiteness. 3. Hamlet, but this time he's not intelligent enough to figure out what he's secretly speaking or talking. 4. They say that the Cadillac is the Cadillac of cars....wait, I fucked that up, right? I'm used to that. No women. 5. A bullfighter whose only practiced on wounded badgers and shattered streetlights. 6. "Anyone seen my hot air balloon? Fuckin' thing ran away. Help!!!!" 7. A guitarist who faithfully finds bad music settling in his tuba. 8. Parade Magazine could ward off vampires, or inertia. 9. Charles Schwab's life force, clubbing useless seals without the help of Benedict Arnold. 10. Moist Rider, the only comic book hero Switzerland recognizes. Auntie List #49 Ten things that could happen at a lesbian slumber party! 1. One-two-three-four, I declare a fingering war. 2. A stud named Hammerlock muscles his way in and fixes them. 3. A female angel appears and says that they're against nature, but then she gets eaten out and changes God's message on her own. 4. They all take a shower together and use the same bar of soap. 5. A giant smiling squirting penis chases them around and makes them scream. 6. There stands Janet Reno, like a butch goddess. 7. The Banana Splits car jumps the curb and takes out the whole front porch. 8. They call an ambulance since one chick has like nine fake ones rammed in her. 9. Whenever they order pizza it's always extra-extra anchovy. 10. The movie "Frankenhooker" is a dream on screen. Auntie List #50 Ten things you didn't know about the ancient world! 1. No matter what, the Greeks were always behind you. 2. Julius Caesar was shot 62 times by Vampire Hunter C. 3. One of the Ten Commandments says that sexual burglary is fine. 4. Cleopatra banged more balls than a fuckin' pool table. 5. There was no ocean back then. Just big long driveways and a coat warehouse. 6. The Pilgrims landed in Australia and immediately began fighting crocodiles and reason. 7. There were no schools so kids just played video games to death. 8. Jesus was crucified by the tabloids because he tried to turn Michael Jackson back to black. 9. Native Americans worshipped three different types of A-Bomb. 10. 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