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Auntie List #41 Ten animals you usually won't find at the zoo! 1. A horse who smiles because his dick is huge. 2. An elephant who really fuckin' hates Quebec for certain reasons. 3. Kirsten Dunst, just because I'd really like to have some sex with her, and there's others, too. 4. These cute little rascals called Flavor Monkeys. 5. A skunk who can spray you simply by using its intestines. 6. A gorilla who paints these exceptionally bad pictures that no one likes. 7. A pitching machine that cannot stop. 8. A camel with a 50-foot memory. 9. The Shotgun Club, just being who they are. 10. A penguin who can eat antifreeze and turn it into Confederate money. Auntie List #42 Ten things that might make you sad! 1. A big pile of organs that used to be you. 2. A statue of Billy Joel moves in next door. 3. You forgot to pay attention and now you don't have it anymore. 4. Your aquarium dies in a roller coaster accident. 5. A vicious baboon with a perfect attendance record. 6. A priest tricks you into believing in yourself. 7. The microwave oven fingers your girlfriend even after you say: "Please don't. I love her." 8. Your eyebrows grow together and form a cliff. 9. Funkiness arrives at the party uninvited. 10. A shovel to the front of the head. Auntie List #43 Ten superheroes most people have never heard of! 1. Superhero: Mr. Mopp Special ability: Has the power to clean up puke at any Denny's restaurant he chooses. 2. Superhero: Ms. Fastfoot Special ability: Gives the best hand jobs you've ever seen. 3. Superhero: The Bold Squirrel Special ability: He's just a fat nerd who dresses up in the same Halloween costume every year and gets pelted with eggs. 4. Superhero: Smokey the Queer Special ability: Take a wild fuckin' guess! 5. Superhero: Madame Moxie Special ability: Trains pigeons to drive cars. 6. Superhero: The Flying Uncomfortable Special ability: Can eat food directly out of the microwave without waiting for it to cool down. 7. Superhero: Chocolate Chump Special ability: Turns the lights off when he creeps into a strange woman's room. 8. Superhero: Lobster Woman Special ability: Uses other people's money to bet on horses running around in a circle. 9. Superhero: The Bombastic Madman Special ability: Says dumb fuckin' things that he writes down later on. 10. Superhero: The Human Glucose Special ability: Gives you diabetes just by tying his shoes. Auntie List #44 Ten ways to avoid getting sick this winter! 1. Have sex with a Cabbage Rash Doll and catch a disease. 2. Lock the door and stab at germs and people who talk funny. 3. "You're pregnant again? But that's the third time this year!" 4. Stay in the shower and watch your water bill go through the fuckin' roof. 5. Eat and eat until your skin doesn't fit. 6. Go to a hospital and get into bed with every patient there. 7. I just found out that "Wayne's World" doesn't actually exist. 8. Sumo wrestling is such a chubby sport. Smells too, I bet. 9. Pressure is a running garden hose up your ass. 10. Microwave your blood every morning so that it's toasty warm. Auntie List #45 Ten things you wouldn't expect a teacher to say to their class! 1. "Take out a pencil and then stick it in your arm." 2. "Oh, my neck hurts. I really need a blow job, Tina." 3. "Math is by the Devil. Science is by the Devil. Cranberry Juice is by the Devil." 4. "Anyone want to kill my husband? He doesn't make enough money." 5. "Lush, lush, I'm a lush. Lush, lush, loves the booze." 6. "The Washington Monument is for retards." 7. "My new tits are worth more than all you little fuckers combined." 8. "Last night the gym teacher really clapped my erasers." 9. "I bet the school's entire annual budget on the Dodgers game, and I don't even give a fuck whether they win or lose." 10. "Life is so hopeless that you should all write down the word "suicide" in your notebooks." Auntie List #46 Ten things you seldom see! 1. A cactus that has pimples and an anal disorder. 2. A pair of underwear that fucks your brains out but doesn't call you the next day, or the next week, because it used you. 3. Whitney Houston likes cocaine. 4. A birthday cake that reappears after you eat it. 5. This guy who has 23 expired library cards and a rifle in his suitcase. 6. First rule about Fight Club: Everyone has to have an imaginary friend that nobody else can see, or ask questions about. 7. A snake that's going to the bathroom. 8. Carpenters who like to get hammered in a different way. 9. A committee discussing exactly how a suicidal guy should jump to his death. 10. An ordained minister named Mother Fucker Supreme. Auntie List #47 Ten questions and answers you usually won't find on a questionnaire! 1. Question: What is the speed of light? A: The time it takes your mother to drain a box of wine. B: Porky Pig's delicious thighs. C: Stop having sex on the roof. It's dangerous. 2. Question: What would the distance of ten and a half meters be in feet and inches? A: Underdog likes to give it in the ass. B: Rivers and lakes are against me. C: You're probably angry because you lack a girlfriend. 3. Question: What year did Germany and Russia sign their historic non-aggression pact? A: Jerking off to Jennifer Aniston is fun. B: Gay people always eat Fruity Pebbles. C: Sometimes, they come back. 4. Question: What is the largest island in the world? A: Pennsylvania stuck to Wyoming. B: The backseat of Humpty Dumpty's shitty Honda. C: An apple a day leads to eye poisoning. 5. Question: Who discovered the planet Neptune? A: Lana Lust and and her company of excellent women. B: A bowling ball who fuckin' really had it all. C: This cool mystic Indian named Chief Jesus. 6. Question: Name the winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature back in 1977. A: What, right now? B: Some hungry hungry Mexicans. C: Please God, let her get drunk. 7. Question: Explain the importance of Einstein's research on Quantum Physics. A: It meant that now the NFL and AFL could play each other. B: One Christmas Hitler was visited by 50 ghosts, but he still wouldn't be nice. C: Ugly people have trouble getting on TV. 8. Question: A speech made by Pope Urban II triggered what major event? A: The Colombian Plant Growers Bi-Annual White Stuff Award Show. B: Lucy sneaking into Schroeder's bedroom and sucking his organ while he was asleep. C: The second Caddyshack movie, which is still causing earthquakes and floods. 9. Question: What was the title of the major work Charles Darwin published back in 1859? A: "The Atlanta Falcons: My constant disappointment." B: "Topless chicks wash cars better." C: "Al Roker is related to the Joker. This is not a test." 10. Question: In which country did the Easter Rising (Easter Rebellion) take place? A: Dudley Do-Right got caught making love to a Maple tree. B: He's got a fuckin' knife!!! C: The Land of Tits and Honey Nut Crunch. Auntie List #48 Ten of the loneliest places on Earth! 1. The arms of super-nerd Sid Zuckerman on prom night. 2. Disney World right after you've run out of money. 3. A chimp who deliberately asks to lick the beaters. 4. A senior citizen orgy. 5. This bathtub which is filled with a fat guy all the way to the edge. 6. An AA meeting on St. Patrick's Day. 7. In the event of a fire, you should suck, fuck and roll.....up a fat one. 8. A hand-shaking competition with a gloveless proctologist. 9. The spirit of John Candy would want you to send me a check. 10. The apartment of a midget after he's decided to start wearing huge boots all the time. Auntie List #49 Ten things you probably shouldn't say to a doctor! 1. "My God! Your wife can FUCK! She did this thing that was so dirty!" 2. "Nobody can make my face happy. What makes you so different?" 3. "I've been playing with shit in your office and there's Bubonic Plague everywhere." 4. "We found my truck, and the tires were three times bigger." 5. "There's this pointless feeling around my ears. It happened when I listened too much." 6. "Ever just want to yank your pants off and go walking?" 7. Webster's dictionary defines a pronoun as a divorce that happens under a waterfall. 8. "Can I inject your receptionist with something?" 9. "I made a new map of the world and all the places say Rectumvania." 10. "I was with the Lorax the night it went down." Auntie List #50 Ten secret government experiments and projects! You're probably not aware, but Uncle Sam is currently trying to... 1. Bring Tip O'Neill back to life using Voodoo Economics. 2. Drive all of the world's unicorns into the Potomac River. 3. Sell Washington State to West Bermuda. 4. I saw her again today, while she was out taking a stroll. Her powdered breasts flapped gently in the soft softy breeze. 5. Clone Saddam Hussein so they can keep having someone to attack. 6. Legalize marijuana, but only in the House and Senate office buildings and on the floor of the Capitol. 7. Attach Condelezza Rice's head to Michael Jordan's body. 8. Remove the Statue of Liberty's clothes to see if she's a slut under there. 9. Get *Lord Humungus to donate his futuristic car to the Smithsonian. 10. Hire pumpkins to guard Fort Knox. *Lord Humungus: The heroic bald-headed Jason Voorhees-mask-wearing villain in the sexually-charged Emmy-award winning film "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior." Also starring Shelley Winters as the stupid guy who gets his fingers cut off when he tries to catch a metal boomerang, and Cedric the Entertainer as both Pappagallo and The Gyro Captain. | Return Home | Auntie Lists #1-10 | Auntie Lists#11-20 | Auntie Lists#21-30 | Auntie Lists#31-40 | Latest Auntie Lists! | Auntie Lists#41-50 | Auntie Lists#51-60 | Auntie Lists#61-70 | Auntie Lists# 71-80 | Auntie List Items | Links Page | Hot Buttered Midgets | Auntie Lists# 81-90 | Ugly Bernard | Auntie Lists# 91-101 | Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 | The Bogus News! | Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book | Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book | |
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