Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book

Auntie List #32

Ten things that usually make people more unhappy than happy!

1. A back-rub from a captain who abandoned his ship.

2. Those cougars are still waiting outside, and they've taken over all your phones.

3. Your paycheck blew away and got caught in a tree and then that tree grew 881 feet taller instantly.

4. The FBI accidentally raids your home for the fifth week in a row.

5. That 9-year old kid with a beard takes all your money again.

6. "Go down the hallway and make 23 lefts."

7. A doctor begs for an apology for what he's about to do.

8. Raccoons keep having great sex in your attic while you sit alone outside the door and listen in a jealous rage.

9. A smell wants to be your friend but it's a really bad smell.

10. A scarecrow dunks on you and all the girls saw it and laughed.

Auntie List #33

Ten problems with having an orgy!

1. None whatsoever, and the Bible will back me up 200% with incentives.

2. You get lost and confused and end up sticking it in a working electrical outlet.

3. All those elderly Oriental men watching with their new zoom-lens cameras are making you jumpy.

4. Somebody forgot to cut their toenails and now there's a huge scratch across your back.

5. So now you actually hope that it is a foot up your tailpipe, because if it's not a foot, well.....

6. Ms. Pac-Man does things to you that can only happen in a video game.

7. You always go home wearing a dress since everybody's clothing gets mixed up. Well, that's what you tell your friends, anyway, but they know the truth. They know.

8. Running out of lubricant means a trip to the burn ward.

9. Of late the women there have been pretty damn ugly.

10. Yup, it's your mother-in-law. You just fucked your mother-in-law.

Auntie List #34

Ten stories you probably won't see in the local newspaper!

1. The unchecked glue sniffing that's running rampant through the ranks of the Cub Scouts.

2. That eerie Domino's truck that's been driving around town by yourself.

3. All those Ecuadorian war ships off the coast of Kansas State.

4. It was a cock fight and there were a lot of cocks there. Cock.

5. The obscene and wrong relationship between an elephant and a married giraffe.

6. A happy-go-fucky midget who wants to draw a smile on the back of pants.

7. The ocean of lotion that we keep for such an occasion.

8. How the paperboy who lives on Dawson Street has become a B&E master.

9. That hip committee of senior citizens who re-enact the L.A. riots daily.

10. The plot to sell God back to the Arabs for all their oil and sand.

Auntie List #35

Ten things that might not happen in a magical fantasy land!

1. A unicorn spears the fuck out of a hobbit after he said the negative truth about her mother.

2. Take away the word "tooth" and you're left with just a fairy.

3. Sleeping Beauty's pregnant. Guess she forgot to lock her door, and her windows, and her legs.

4. Dinosaurs and cavemen eat everything because Nature always finds a way.

5. A troll is getting a hummer and he just sits there and really enjoys it.

6. Mary Poppins opens up a Hunny Bunny Ranch and does staggeringly incredible business on the weekends.

7. A little boy from the real world visits and goes on an amazing singing adventure which ends disastrously.

8. Guess what? America Runs On Fuckin', not coffee and donuts.

9. Boundaries are set up all over Fantasia, now that fascism has bloomed in all its glory.

10. First in the car, then downstairs behind the couch, and finally upstairs in the closet while the kids played in their room.

Auntie List #36

Ten things your friend might do that will let you know they're suicidal!

1. They write letters in invisible ink so that they never know what they're saying.

2. Bowl after bowl of Quisp cereal is still not working.

3. They cry whenever they're awake, and then there's the poison.

4. So...so fuckin' horny!

5. It would take a kangaroo maybe 20 years to mow your lawn by eating it.

6. For every single jazz song you get a single bullet.

7. They trip and fall 34,000 unhappy feet.

8. They don't even care if you staple their cheeks to passing cars.

9. They look and act and dress like me, which is brutal.

10. They put cinnamon dynamite on their lousy-made toast.

Auntie List #37

Ten things that might happen during a Father-Son feud!

1. Son burned down Dad's Buick, so Dad cut off one of Son's balls and glued it to Son's chin.

2. Dad wrote gay lyrics about Son on men's room wall, so Son put some disease in Dad's coffee.

3. Son put Dad's dick in mouse trap, so Dad took a shit in Son's mouth while Son slept.

4. Dad fucked Son's wife up the ass, so Son fucked Dad up the ass.

5. Son dropped a cinder block on Dad from roof, so Dad dropped a watermelon on Son from a plane.

6. Dad drove down street and ran over Son, so Son shattered Dad's hip with a bat.

7. Son took pictures of Dad in the shower and added men to the film, so Dad went to Son's job and shot Son's co-workers.

8. Dad threw acid in Son's face, so Son planted land mines in Dad's living room.

9. Son bowled a wild badger into Dad's crotch, so Dad choked Son until Son didn't breathe.

10. Dad shoved pens up Son's nose, so Mom went to court and had Dad completely erased.

Auntie List #38

Ten things you don't usually see!

1. Kids renting the word "cockling" for their birthday parties.

2. A musician who only dresses half of himself.

3. Big.....round....huge.......round.

4. The sweat collector shows up well after midnight.

5. Darth Vader clearly stated that the emperor was not as forgiving as him, yet both of them are very bad powerful people.

6. There's nothing left to do except go the fuck away.

7. The garden hose in summer is like a vacation.

8. Somebody paints their house the exact color they shouldn't.

9. He asks her for a date and when she says no he pulls out five guns.

10. If a gay guy says he's being dicked around then maybe it's the truth.

Auntie List #39

Ten things that usually don't happen down at the animal pound!

1. Star Jones is put to sleep not once but four times, and the dosage is always increased.

2. There's a power outage and the Veloceraptors quickly escape into romantic comedy movies.

3. All dogs go to the furnace, along with the cats and the birds and the homeless.

4. The Devil calls God to apologize but hangs up like a fool when Jesus says hello.

5. The only thing wrong with roadkill sandwiches is that bitter aftertaste of rubber and asphalt.

6. At the batting cages you swing when the ball is already behind you.

7. The hooker tells the gorilla that she's having trouble swallowing this.

8. Pigs sit up late at night and grunt about what they've done.

9. Expressionless government officials named Al Gore carry around invasion of the body snatcher pods.

10. The King Cobra won't leave the vet's assistant alone so they release it into the playground next door.

Auntie List #40

Ten things that probably seldom happen in the Pope's bedroom!

1. A rowdy Hitler youth reunion nearly brings the fuckin' roof down.

2. The window is left open to air out all the sin in the sheets.

3. On the nightstand is the latest issue of Dickhard Magazine.

4. Why the tattoo parlor? Why the minibar? Why the camera in the ceiling?

5. His holiness floats around and punches Protestant demons with the Bible.

6. A dwarf is in the closet only because he was teleported there.

7. The TV is always on and it's so loud that no one can hear it.

8. There's like 20 padlocks on the door but they're all made out of children's clay.

9. An unfinished game of Stratego still lingers quietly on the waterbed.

10. There's no bathroom since he's not supposed to do things like that anyway.


	Auntie List #31 Ten things that usually don't happen down at the DMV! 1. Everyone is finger-painting nicely and then a punch to the chest is thrown. 2. Nuns with thick knees sssssssaunter in and demand all sorts of "Oh my God" trouble. 3. Masturbate Theater has to show a two-part series because this guy's dick is so long. 4. The chimp picks the lock while the moose distracts the salesclerk. 5. A clown wants flying lessons so he can crash a plane into Gilbert Godfrey's house. 6. Nobody tells this oldish lady that her tits just hit the floor. 7. Dr. Nutbag tries to cure people waiting in line with his special spectacular medicine drinks. 8. The letter "L" is kicked out of the alphabet because it was discovered that he had numerous life partners. 9. The chimp grabs the keys while the moose distracts an entire armored tank division. 10. Garbagemen dump everything in the parking lot since they're demonically depressed. Auntie List #32 Ten things that usually make people more unhappy than happy! 1. A back-rub from a captain who abandoned his ship. 2. Those cougars are still waiting outside, and they've taken over all your phones. 3. Your paycheck blew away and got caught in a tree and then that tree grew 881 feet taller instantly. 4. The FBI accidentally raids your home for the fifth week in a row. 5. That 9-year old kid with a beard takes all your money again. 6. "Go down the hallway and make 23 lefts." 7. A doctor begs for an apology for what he's about to do. 8. Raccoons keep having great sex in your attic while you sit alone outside the door and listen in a jealous rage. 9. A smell wants to be your friend but it's a really bad smell. 10. A scarecrow dunks on you and all the girls saw it and laughed. Auntie List #33 Ten problems with having an orgy! 1. None whatsoever, and the Bible will back me up 200% with incentives. 2. You get lost and confused and end up sticking it in a working electrical outlet. 3. All those elderly Oriental men watching with their new zoom-lens cameras are making you jumpy. 4. Somebody forgot to cut their toenails and now there's a huge scratch across your back. 5. So now you actually hope that it is a foot up your tailpipe, because if it's not a foot, well..... 6. Ms. Pac-Man does things to you that can only happen in a video game. 7. You always go home wearing a dress since everybody's clothing gets mixed up. Well, that's what you tell your friends, anyway, but they know the truth. They know. 8. Running out of lubricant means a trip to the burn ward. 9. Of late the women there have been pretty damn ugly. 10. Yup, it's your mother-in-law. You just fucked your mother-in-law. Auntie List #34 Ten stories you probably won't see in the local newspaper! 1. The unchecked glue sniffing that's running rampant through the ranks of the Cub Scouts. 2. That eerie Domino's truck that's been driving around town by yourself. 3. All those Ecuadorian war ships off the coast of Kansas State. 4. It was a cock fight and there were a lot of cocks there. Cock. 5. The obscene and wrong relationship between an elephant and a married giraffe. 6. A happy-go-fucky midget who wants to draw a smile on the back of pants. 7. The ocean of lotion that we keep for such an occasion. 8. How the paperboy who lives on Dawson Street has become a B&E master. 9. That hip committee of senior citizens who re-enact the L.A. riots daily. 10. The plot to sell God back to the Arabs for all their oil and sand. Auntie List #35 Ten things that might not happen in a magical fantasy land! 1. A unicorn spears the fuck out of a hobbit after he said the negative truth about her mother. 2. Take away the word "tooth" and you're left with just a fairy. 3. Sleeping Beauty's pregnant. Guess she forgot to lock her door, and her windows, and her legs. 4. Dinosaurs and cavemen eat everything because Nature always finds a way. 5. A troll is getting a hummer and he just sits there and really enjoys it. 6. Mary Poppins opens up a Hunny Bunny Ranch and does staggeringly incredible business on the weekends. 7. A little boy from the real world visits and goes on an amazing singing adventure which ends disastrously. 8. Guess what? America Runs On Fuckin', not coffee and donuts. 9. Boundaries are set up all over Fantasia, now that fascism has bloomed in all its glory. 10. First in the car, then downstairs behind the couch, and finally upstairs in the closet while the kids played in their room. Auntie List #36 Ten things your friend might do that will let you know they're suicidal! 1. They write letters in invisible ink so that they never know what they're saying. 2. Bowl after bowl of Quisp cereal is still not working. 3. They cry whenever they're awake, and then there's the poison. 4. So...so fuckin' horny! 5. It would take a kangaroo maybe 20 years to mow your lawn by eating it. 6. For every single jazz song you get a single bullet. 7. They trip and fall 34,000 unhappy feet. 8. They don't even care if you staple their cheeks to passing cars. 9. They look and act and dress like me, which is brutal. 10. They put cinnamon dynamite on their lousy-made toast. Auntie List #37 Ten things that might happen during a Father-Son feud! 1. Son burned down Dad's Buick, so Dad cut off one of Son's balls and glued it to Son's chin. 2. Dad wrote gay lyrics about Son on men's room wall, so Son put some disease in Dad's coffee. 3. Son put Dad's dick in mouse trap, so Dad took a shit in Son's mouth while Son slept. 4. Dad fucked Son's wife up the ass, so Son fucked Dad up the ass. 5. Son dropped a cinder block on Dad from roof, so Dad dropped a watermelon on Son from a plane. 6. Dad drove down street and ran over Son, so Son shattered Dad's hip with a bat. 7. Son took pictures of Dad in the shower and added men to the film, so Dad went to Son's job and shot Son's co-workers. 8. Dad threw acid in Son's face, so Son planted land mines in Dad's living room. 9. Son bowled a wild badger into Dad's crotch, so Dad choked Son until Son didn't breathe. 10. Dad shoved pens up Son's nose, so Mom went to court and had Dad completely erased. Auntie List #38 Ten things you don't usually see! 1. Kids renting the word "cockling" for their birthday parties. 2. A musician who only dresses half of himself. 3. Big.....round....huge.......round. 4. The sweat collector shows up well after midnight. 5. Darth Vader clearly stated that the emperor was not as forgiving as him, yet both of them are very bad powerful people. 6. There's nothing left to do except go the fuck away. 7. The garden hose in summer is like a vacation. 8. Somebody paints their house the exact color they shouldn't. 9. He asks her for a date and when she says no he pulls out five guns. 10. If a gay guy says he's being dicked around then maybe it's the truth. Auntie List #39 Ten things that usually don't happen down at the animal pound! 1. Star Jones is put to sleep not once but four times, and the dosage is always increased. 2. There's a power outage and the Veloceraptors quickly escape into romantic comedy movies. 3. All dogs go to the furnace, along with the cats and the birds and the homeless. 4. The Devil calls God to apologize but hangs up like a fool when Jesus says hello. 5. The only thing wrong with roadkill sandwiches is that bitter aftertaste of rubber and asphalt. 6. At the batting cages you swing when the ball is already behind you. 7. The hooker tells the gorilla that she's having trouble swallowing this. 8. Pigs sit up late at night and grunt about what they've done. 9. Expressionless government officials named Al Gore carry around invasion of the body snatcher pods. 10. The King Cobra won't leave the vet's assistant alone so they release it into the playground next door. Auntie List #40 Ten things that probably seldom happen in the Pope's bedroom! 1. A rowdy Hitler youth reunion nearly brings the fuckin' roof down. 2. The window is left open to air out all the sin in the sheets. 3. On the nightstand is the latest issue of Dickhard Magazine. 4. Why the tattoo parlor? Why the minibar? Why the camera in the ceiling? 5. His holiness floats around and punches Protestant demons with the Bible. 6. A dwarf is in the closet only because he was teleported there. 7. The TV is always on and it's so loud that no one can hear it. 8. There's like 20 padlocks on the door but they're all made out of children's clay. 9. An unfinished game of Stratego still lingers quietly on the waterbed. 10. There's no bathroom since he's not supposed to do things like that anyway. \| Return Home \| Auntie Lists #1-10 \| Auntie Lists#11-20 \| Auntie Lists#21-30 \| Auntie Lists#31-40 \| Latest Auntie Lists! \| Auntie Lists#41-50 \| Auntie Lists#51-60 \| Auntie Lists#61-70 \| Auntie Lists# 71-80 \| Auntie List Items \| Links Page \| Hot Buttered Midgets \| Auntie Lists# 81-90 \| Ugly Bernard \| Auntie Lists# 91-101 \| Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 \| The Bogus News! \| Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book \| Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book \|