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AUNTIE LIST #31 Ten things that might not be said at a ladies' garden party! 1. "Fuck you! Fuck you!! No way Denver wins tomorrow! Well, maybe!" 2. "Look, I just can't get off anymore unless I'm being strapped violently, and it has to leave a rod-shaped scar." 3. "I picked 57 pounds of Dandelions. Reader's Digest will hear about this." 4. "Mmghmm...hhmgghfft....ummg, you want some grape soda?" 5. "We were playing bridge, and our team lost, so I blasted the chick across from me in the hand with a mallet." 6. "Carpenter Ants are devouring my legs." 7. "There's all these staircases, and then a door. Oh, that library is a deathtrap." 8. "I keep a ringing alarm clock just below my breasts." 9. "We have plenty of Shlong Island Iced Teas, so drink up." 10. "Okay, then it's a bet: The first one to bury their husband becomes a widow." AUNTIE LIST #32 Ten things you should know about me! 1. My jack-high beats your full house in poker because I'm god. 2. Women find me resistable. 3. I control the entire NBA with a single red button. 4. Everything that ever happened in the 1960's was a conspiracy, yet everyone acted alone. 5. Most of the time you can find me sobbing next to the garbage cans, which I don't own. 6. My dad has called me a stupid fuck quite often. 7. I keep thinking that the dinosaurs are going to come back. 8. A priest who dresses like a whore. 9. When frightened, a bowling ball will squirt blood from its holes. 10. Who is Vin Doctor? I shall tell you: He is a strange-looking man with strange-looking ideas. AUNTIE LIST #33 Ten great ways to buy a hat! 1. Allow the Catholics to examine your entire body, searching for the Devil's mark. 2. Go into the store and push several racks over, but make sure the weather is cold that day. 3. Paint a big penis on your head and walk around as the dick-headed detective. 4. Envy whatever is across the street. 5. "We'd better watch out. That pudding monster is still out there, stripping both cars and flesh." 6. Keep pointing to the spot where you were just standing. 7. Are zombies still allowed to vote? They shouldn't be, because they're fuckin' dumb and dead. 8. Pretend that you're an anaconda and swallow this bag of oranges whole. 9. You win if you can trick her into bed. 10. When they draw the lottery numbers I always guess all 12's. AUNTIE LIST #34 Ten excellent ways to get lost! 1. Toss the map out the window and close your eyes. 2. Allow Pee-Wee Herman to masturbate you off. 3. Ask a Canadian telephone pole for directions and forget to write down what it says. 4. Pick up a hitchhiker and then jump out, disrupting the eternal process. 5. Mother Nature keeps on murdering and the police do nothing about it because she's rich and white. 6. Oh no! Now the brakes have turned into a second faster gas pedal! Look out, Delaware! 7. Just, you know, fuck it. 8. Staring at He-Man's muscles does not make you gay, but it does. 9. Carbon dating is when you go out on a date with a bunch of molecules and they expect you to pay for things like microscopes, and science pencils, and condom penetration. 10. "So Goldilocks, having no choice, dropped to her knees and took Papa Bear into her mouth. The end." AUNTIE LIST #35 Ten signs that will let you know you're in love! 1. You don't talk to anyone ever and you live in a cemetery. 2. That cocksucker Hooty the Owl sold us all out a long time ago. 3. You get the Gypsy Hives when you play volleyball, or any beach sport. 4. You can't stop thinking about her.....bankbook. 5. A big large heavy big rock will fall on somebody's house, interrupted two funerals and a tasteful tit-viewing catfight between Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. 6. In an ironic twist, Scooby-Doo gets put to sleep and comes back as Shaggy's roach clip. 7. All these arms coming out of your bedroom wall, reaching and squeezing. 8. As a scientist once told me in a bar, a robotic woman has more feelings than an actual human woman. 9. You keep driving until the gas tank fills up again. 10. Step 1: Locate air nozzle on back of neck Step 2: Force air into plastic inflatable female body until you reach desired plumpness Step 3: Enjoy! AUNTIE LIST #36 Ten signs that will let you know that God has cursed you! 1. Both ears move to one side of your head and now you need a nice sturdy paper bag to wear permanently. 2. I can't go outside anymore! All those fuckin' toads in the driveway! 3. Your wife keeps wanting to talk to you. 4. It's in all the papers that you're gay. 5. A massive bible falls out of the sky and onto your spine. 6. You're forced to go to an opera that lasts for 40 days and 40 nights, and also another million minutes. 7. The streetlight on the corner burns out. 8. Jesus lifts weights and then punches you. 9. You suddenly start puking up whole live fish which are wrapped in barbed wire. 10. Your first-born testicle dies and then your asshole is parted until it rips in two. AUNTIE LIST #37 Ten ways to beat the summer heat! 1. Take down the American flag and put up a Turkish one. That alone will do nothing. 2. Go swimming in a raging river with lots of rocks in your pockets. 3. Pant like a dog and be mistaken for the God of Horny. 4. Trash the teacher's lounge at the local high school and scream "Fuck you, memories!" while you're doing it. 5. Rub ice cubes all over that sexy teenager next door, then pack for prison. 6. Even if you could buy nuclear missiles over the counter, they'd be too heavy to carry home. 7. Watch Care Bears mating in the park, moaning and writhing all at the same time. 8. Bring your freezer with you and occasionally stick your foot inside. 9. Tell your Congressman that he's a chip off the old cock. 10. Run all over the place until you're nothing but a pile of salt, like on Star Trek. AUNTIE LIST #38 Ten facts about comedy clubs! 1. There is always a dedicated asshole sitting in the front row. 2. Cigarette smoke makes things funnier. That's why they allow it. 3. If you have to prostitute yourself just to pay for the cover charge, that's okay. 4. A 15-drink minimum will lead to an interesting night. 5. Dave Chappelle promised to bring me back a surprise from South Africa. 6. There's usually a troll hiding under the stage, waiting for his chance. 7. If the restrooms are full, just go in that corner over there, next to the waitress. 8. Pickpockets think it's hilarious that you don't notice them. 9. Laughter is the best medicine, and because of the healthcare situation in this country, it now costs $90 dollars a joke. 10. Well, if Jerry Seinfeld didn't invent money, then tell me who did? AUNTIE LIST #39 Ten ways to save money! 1. Stop inhaling Whoppers and start starving, you round pig fatso grease chunk god-you're-hungry. 2. Pick up empty beer bottles and cry until somebody helps you with alcohol. 3. Just talk into the telephone wires and hope that the 911 operator received your message. 4. Buy one of those expensive parrots that you can't get rid of. 5. Slip into something a little more comfortable, like a suit made out of newspapers and paste. 6. Flex and pose and maybe a homo will buy you dinner. 7. Dig graves all over town and start filling them. 8. Sell your car and learn how to hide in the trunk or backseat of your neighbor's BMW whenever he goes out. 9. Dress up like a cop and get free sex from hookers. 10. Did you know that there was once a politician in New Hampshire whose name was "Dick Sweat?" I swear it's true. AUNTIE LIST #40 Ten things usually not said over the radio! 1. "Our tenth caller will be fucked violently by a Samoan." 2. "Somebody out there bomb that other radio station I don't like. You know, the one with the guy." 3. "I bought a cardboard house from three little pigs, and the damn thing melted in the rain. Pork sucks." 4. "The FCC can blow me until they lose feeling in their lips." 5. "I had a cousin once, but he went bungee jumping." 6. "In my closet at home there's tons of thigh wax." 7. "The Bedless Horseman just wants a place to lie down." 8. "Every kind of balloon in the world is here in the studio right now." 9. "Whenever I sweat it shows up on radar." 10. 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