Auntie List #21

Ten things that usually don't happen at the aquarium!

1. The walrus is vicariously rubbed into a breeding mood.
2. A barracuda comes up through the toilet and performs two circumcisions.
3. There's another happy and bruised child, floating face-down in the dolphin tank.
4. "Let's use rice to blow up seagulls! It's okay as long as it's done right!"
5. That stench of rotting unwashed fish. Where have I smelled that before?
6. If you're anywhere near a Denny's restaurant, it's probably around four o'clock in the morning.
7. A disillusioned Chilly Willy pulls up to the souvenir stand with a truckload of fertilizer.
8. Japanese tourists complain and say that they don't have gills, but are thrown into an aquatic internment camp anyway.
9. Nobody fed the mermaid so she turned dyke.
10. Two blue whales collide and then we all see the mushroom cloud.




Auntie List #22

Ten things you don't want to see when you first wake up in the middle of the afternoon!

1. A poison ivy eviction notice taped to your chest hair and thighs.
2. A man with Cooties putting his dress back on.
3. A major battle in the sexless war between ghosts and social workers.
4. Fresh organ meat just quietly sitting there on the coffee table.
5. Different versions of evil Jane Fonda, called "Fondies."
6. A Visa card burrowing into your stomach, and that's the third bad thing.
7. A great wide Polynesian frenzy, looking for the heat.
8. A tunnel of love ride where they beat the creative life out of you at the end and stamp your hand for certain re-beating.
9. Transmission fluid and satisfaction leaking out of your holes.
10. The Cat in the Hat also likes to be referred to as "The Black in the Sack."




Auntie List #23

Ten things that you don't usually hear said on the Nickelodeon Channel!

1. "I want to take a bath and use you as the water, hot fuck."
2. "Insert it, insert it. That's right. Just insert it."
3. "He slashed my tires. I swear, that little cockwipe Jimmy Neutron is gonna pay!"
4. "Them brownies gone done messed me up. Shit, don't the room be spinnin'."
5. "And for all you young girls out there, Jewish men make a lot of money."
6. "I want you to go in that bag, and find my wallet."
"Which one is it?"
"It's the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker."
7. "No more Blue's Clue's, kids. There's only one cure for rabies."
8. "Look, the program doesn't work if you eat 34 boxes of Lean Cuisines just for breakfast."
9. "The Keebler Elves are good friends. You can tell because they all share the same needle."
10. "David Wingate was better than Michael Jordan. That's a historical fact, you stupid asshole."



Auntie List #24

Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see!

1. HARRIET THE SPY HANGED FOR TREASON
I never trusted that traitor bitch

2. IF IT WASN'T FOR SEINFELD AND THE SIMPSONS, I'D NEVER WATCH TV
Well, I do like Futurama, too

3. GIRL SCOUTS PURCHASE 14 TANKS FROM P.E.T.A.
Probably for use against Lebanon, or Ashley Judd

4. THE CURRENT TEMPERATURE AT THE NORTH POLE IS: 128 DEGREES
More bodies of rival carpenters found under floorboards of This Old House

5. MAGICIAN PULLS DICK OUT OF HIS PANTS
Belinda Carlisle is still my hero

6. SPEED DATING LEADS TO NUMEROUS INSTANT BREAK-UPS AND GENERAL SUICIDES
Bail for Nestle's Quik Rabbit set at $49 million

7. MIDGET SOUTHERN SHERIFF WALKIN' SHORT
Screwdriver used inappropriately

8. IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO PLAY A GAME CALLED "DUNGEONS AND FAGGOTS," DON'T
Heroic whip mistress saves the day at local S&M parlor

9. IS IT HOT IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST NOT YOU?
Gingerbread Man gets laid yet again because life isn't fair

10. JERRY BITES TOM'S BALLS OFF, NIELSEN RATINGS THROUGH THE FUCKIN' ROOF
Thirty-third set of bouncers hired at middle school



Auntie List #25

Ten things that usually aren't said on the playground at school!

1. "I have to go home. The bone in my leg is showing."
2. "So anyway, the janitor takes it in the face."
3. "Put it out. Bitch comin'."
4. "I pissed all over the swings because that's how I roll."
5. "I can't wait to get my fuckin' hands on Iran."
6. "Anime chicks make me hard. They're all drawn like whores, that's right."
7. "Hey, why did the Principal take out life insurance on us?"
8."Mrs. Johnson and Mr. Reed sure spend a lot of time grading papers in the backseat of that car."
9. "You've got braces, but no teeth. How the fuck?"
10. "Ron Jeremy is our substitute teacher today, and he said I could be his fluffer."

Auntie List #26

Ten things that let you know you're watching a B-rated zombie movie!

1. The director ran out of film and the last twenty minutes of the movie is just bits and pieces from the classic porno movie "Blonde with the Wind."

2. It's supposed to be 1969 but you can clearly see modern fuckin' vehicles driving by right there in the damn shot, as well as a Jim Carrey poster.

3. Those "brains" look a lot like spaghetti, and even then most of it isn't actually being eaten. It just falls out of the mouth and shit.

4. They splice in 27 blow job scenes because what else is there?

5. Every zombie looks the same since it's the same guy, with the same clothes.

6. It's dark and there's thunder and lightning and then all of a sudden it's bright out and sunny and two characters who were dead are now back for no apparent reason.

7. There's a phony scream and then a big cardboard cut-out of Jason falls on the girl at the end and then the credits start rolling but you can only see half of them.

8. Corey Feldman is everywhere.

9. You can barely hear the narrator since he stood too far away from the microphone.

10. The actors get their lines wrong constantly and you can tell only the fat kid is trying



Auntie List #27

Ten things you don't see very often!

1. An old guy with a yardstick measuring how much time he has left to live.

2. A Bratz doll that's just interested in playing sex with your fingers.

3. Rebecca De Mornay founding a home for hopeless midgets.

4. A airborne virus laboratory with all of their windows open.

5. Dumpalumpacus, and that name should and must say it all.

6. "Look, just give me a few minutes, okay? It takes a while the second time."

7. 933 accidents because it was decided that all street signs should be written in Dr. Seuss.

8. The world ending on a pass interference penalty that suspiciously wasn't reviewed.

9. There's only enough justice left for about 50 or 60 people.

10. A school bus backing up on the highway during Memorial Day.






Auntie List #28

Ten words and their real meanings!

1. Word: Inflammatory
Real meaning: When a jump ball kills a certain spectator.

2. Word: Calculate
Real meaning: Someone who bends over backwards in an attempt to bend over backwards.

3. Word: Secluded
Real meaning: A kitten that can breathe fire.

4. Word: Shameless
Real meaning: Whatever is left over after a night of going to the bathroom.

5. Word: Altercation
Real meaning: Soup that has too much wow in it.

6. Word: Zoning
Real meaning: Humpty Dumpty doing the Humpty Dance on the hump day of the week after humping a Humpback Whale.

7. Word: Legendary
Real meaning: A chick who will fuck even before the first date.

8. Word: Emancipation
Real meaning: The word that knocked Abraham Lincoln out of the National Spelling Bee back in 1821.

9. Word: Debauchery
Real meaning: A kid in a rocket wheelchair who's being chased by a Reverend werewolf.

10. Word: Magnum
Real meaning: The pleasure of drowning in a big soft pair of tits.

Auntie List #29

Ten things you probably shouldn't talk about at a party!

1. The way the bodies in the cellar keep piling up in heaps and bounds.

2. The death threats you've been calling in to the Bob Newhart Show.

3. This evil little girl who smiles wickedly and has no shadow.

4. Mr. Eyebrows himself just launched in through the door.

5. A puppet-run movie theater where all the exits are on the ceiling.

6. This new zit remover you've invented using liquid helium and melted marbles.

7. Your hatred for all the odd-numbered amendments to the Constitution.

8. You fuck with me, you fuck yourself.

9. The way the unnecessary air conditioning is frozening three out of every two guests.

10. How failing so much has totally destroyed your will to desire.

Auntie List #30

Ten things you usually don't hear as you're walking into a room!

1. "So I was screaming and screaming at the fuckin' guy, and then someone told me that he was deaf."
2. "Felt good comin' out of my ass."
3. "On Sesame Street these mob guys held Grover down and ran over his legs with a lawnmower."
4. "Fatso can't get by without his hourly grease intake."
5. "I'd stalk her much more but the cops keep finding me outside in the shrubs next to her foggy bathroom window."
6. "So you're missing that finger, too? Well, just fake it."
7. "Lately I've been hoping a lot that the outcome of World War One reverses, or at least expands."
8. "Some incredible fucker broke in and dialed a filthy 1-900 number and left the phone off the hook all weekend."
9. "Look, we all fantasize about doing dead people, but this time we really mean it."
10. "As soon as that guy gets here he's a dick-face."