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AUNTIE LIST #21 Ten things that will happen in the future! 1. The President will be assassinated by the Vice President, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 2. MC Hammer will win 16 Academy Awards over a 5-month span. 3. Everyone you know will either be older or dead. 4. California will fall into the ocean, float across the Pacific and attach itself to Japan, making it the new home for bad expensive movies with no plots. 5. A new race of creatures will emerge from the union of Hillbillies and porcupines. 6. Mount Everest will grow another 22,000 feet, thus making it too tall to care about. 7. Luke Skywalker will land on Earth and get stoned to death before he can use his powers. 8. Sixty men alone at sea spells H-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-i-t-y. 9. Giant mutant freak potatoes will control most of the bottom part of the world and perhaps the North Pole. 10. The only animals that won't be extinct will be pigeons, rats, cockroaches, and a bronze statue of a molested boy stabbing Michael Jackson in the neck with a pitchfork. AUNTIE LIST #22 Ten things that seldom happen in a dentist's office! 1. The dentist bends over and just stays there, clinching his rear cheeks. 2. A big toothbrush is used to stimulate your special area. 3. Luckily, they drill all the way through your jaw and find pain. 4. Two little ghostly girls smear blood and radium all over the wall. 5. What's up, cock? 6. The assistant walks in wearing only toothpaste and she's 389 pounds. 7. They Novocain your legs so you can't run away, then start to undress you with their hands. 8. I could have been so popular but I'm a fuckin' jerk. 9. A divine pizza maker named Jesus Crust. 10. A hot female dentist offers to breast-feed you, but you have to let others watch and learn from it. AUNTIE LIST #23 Ten newspaper headlines you seldom see! 1. NEW MEXICO TO BECOME NEW SEXICO Let's all move there right away 2. PARADE ROUTE TAKES WRONG TURN, VANISHES INTO BLACK HOLE Still no known cure for being a minority 3. MANSLAUGHTER IS NOW A GOOD THING Nine women seen smoking 4. MONSTER TORNADO RUINS YET ANOTHER ARBOR DAY Death total off the charts 5. BRADY BUNCH LYNCHED BY PARTRIDGE FAMILY, KKK Santa Claus calls Frosty a "worthless cunt" 6. FDA INSISTS THAT ALL AIRPLANES HAVE KITES INSTALLED New blood clot cereal making everyone unhappy 7. MEAN LITTLE KID UNPLUGS EVERYTHING AT A HOSPITAL Comas for all 8. SUICIDAL KANGAROO THREATENS TO JUMP OFF ROOF Airplane/kite plan not working, lifeless body of Charlie Brown seen hanging upside down from wing of 747 9. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE ARRESTED FOR SOLICITATION, 188TH SUCH OFFENSE IN LAST TWO WEEKS Cheerleader does split, shits panties 10. HEY, WHERE'S MY LIFE? Sleepwalker disturbed, turns into Freddy Krueger AUNTIE LIST #24 Ten unusual quotes and the people who said them! 1. "So, if I give you 5 pounds, you'll suck it?" Winston Churchill, at the Yalta Conference 2. "I just beat the fuck out of a vending machine." Debbie Reynolds 3. "The only way to accomplish anything is by force. Force and might. Violence solves things. It always has." Bob Dylan, screaming into the microphone at an NRA meeting 4. "Can you open this jar of sticky pickles? I pretty-please hope so." Lamont Lafarious, someone I just made up 5. "Ohhhhh! You'd like to get in here, but you can't!" Jesus Christ, making faces at the Devil from heaven 6. "Every day I'm hard, and I get harder." Florence Nightingale, in a letter to Penthouse Magazine 7. "The way I see it, the turtle was in fair territory. Either give us the call or we'll do murder." Brooke Shields, laughing naked at Wimbledon 8. "He raped me. The mother fucker raped me." Gilligan, right after the Skipper entered his hut and stole his manhood 9. "Why is this happening? Why?" The entire cast of the sitcom "Full House," moments before they were executed in Utah 10. "Look, I don't have a passport. Just let me fuckin' leave!!" Count Dracula, desperately trying to get out of Canada before the sun rises AUNTIE LIST #25 Ten things you might see at a carnival! 1. A clown being tied down and physically amused. 2. A kid who can drink gasoline without telling his parents. 3. An Eskimo living in a sandbox, sobbing his ass off. 4. Fuckin' bitch! Fucked all my friends! 5. A Ferris Wheel that causes nuclear tumors. 6. Pirates only steal what they want. Everyone should just leave them alone. 7. A retirement home that is haunted by alcoholism. 8. A surfboard that goes right to sharks. 9. That snowman who assists with abortions. 10. Cotton Candy moving on its own, attaching itself to orgasms. AUNTIE LIST #26 Ten things you can do in the backseat of a car! 1. Turn up the radio really loud to drown out the morbid screams and grooming. 2. Start a rare bird collection that consists mostly of crows and algae. 3. Keep tunneling until you reach the trunk. Then, prepare yourself for what's coming next, which is bigger. 4. Beg her for all the sex you've been denied Lo these many years! 5. Look out the window and see Randy Quaid. 6. Rub your hands together until they smoke. 7. "When I think of all the times I went swimming." 8. Try to open the door with just your wits, or tits, or all of them. 9. Here comes that fancy midget with his reaching-stick. 10. Be in a submarine instead. That way, there's no need to do that, I guess maybe though. AUNTIE LIST #27 Ten things you might see while strolling down the street! 1. A sad hobo who has just dropped his bottle of strawberry wine. 2. A band of Indians bullying a bunch of innocent white settlers. 3. A birthday party for the entire Prussian army. 4. A werewolf who shyly realizes his lack of clothing. 5. Little old ladies raiding and raping along the coast. 6. The Creature from the Black Lagoon making hookers go into the sewers with him. 7. Balloons filled with excitement. 8. Nutley Von Mastafull, the son I'll never have. 9. All of the anger that was felt during the 20th century. 10. A happy hobo who has just mugged somebody so he can buy another bottle of strawberry wine. AUNTIE LIST #28 Ten ways to find out if you're psychic! 1. Stick your head down into a grave and listen real hard. 2. Hang around a horse stable until everyone leaves. 3. Tarot cards are for losers. You should be using cigarettes. 4. A shapely woman who is actually made out of shapes. 5. Light a bunch of candles and the ghosts will come to you, often in the form of pissed-off firemen holding axes. 6. Stop believing in that ultimate bullshit. Only cash can make you happy. 7. It's hard to play basketball on a pool table because you keep stepping in the holes, and that's traveling, Mr. Fuckity-Fuck. 8. Clint Eastwood's secret is that he always makes sure people in his movies die, usually by his own Josey Wales hand. 9. Make angry love with sock puppets over at the YMCA just before noon o'clock. 10. Use a Thighmaster to try and contact the spirit of Chrissy from "Three's Company," and then suddenly, the two of you are in bed, erupting. AUNTIE LIST #29 Ten common facts! 1. Whiskey brings the calm. 2. Harriet Tubman owned over 5,500 slaves. 3. If you think you can't, you're right. Giving up is great. 4. A crocodile's armpits are longer than its body. 5. When the Dutch invade our shores, we will fight them with fierce energy. 6. All Mad Max needed was a hug. That's it. 7. To shag all of the Spice Girls would be bloody wonderful, and to do that, I have to be knighted as "Sir Dick the Long." 8. Soft, delicate Kleenex of the color blue. 9. Humpty Rumpty had a big ass. Humpty Rumpty shot lots of gas. 10. A mysterious soccer player who can kick the ball over the sky. AUNTIE LIST #30 Ten ways to get out of paying for a check at a restaurant! 1. Bite off your finger and then say you found it floating in your soup. 2. Restaurant? Just go through the drive-thru and then floor it as they hand you the bag of pre-melted cheeseburgers. 3. Start firing rolls at the waiter and then call upon everyone to rise up and join you in the massacre. 4. Don't squeeze a hamster too hard or its eyes will pop out. 5. If you choke to death they might have to move your body for free, right? 6. Look, my dinner usually consists of potato chips and sugar water, so go fuck your nearest ancestor! 7. I heard that if you take these pills, it will grow longer, and even thicken. 8. Tell the cook that he blows Arabian garbage-pickers. 9. HI!! MY NAME IS VIN DOCTOR!! 10. Supple supple firm supple support luscious-sized more than a mouthful is a waste not so. | Return Home | Auntie Lists #1-10 | Auntie Lists#11-20 | Auntie Lists#21-30 | Auntie Lists#31-40 | Latest Auntie Lists! | Auntie Lists#41-50 | Auntie Lists#51-60 | Auntie Lists#61-70 | Auntie Lists# 71-80 | Auntie List Items | Links Page | Hot Buttered Midgets | Auntie Lists# 81-90 | Ugly Bernard | Auntie Lists# 91-101 | Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 | The Bogus News! | Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book | Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book | |
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