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Auntie List #11 Ten signs that a chick is flirting! You know the girl is interested in you when she... 1. Offers to lift your nuts with her nose. Now wouldn't that make a nice letter for Family Circle Magazine? 2. Asks if you'd like to try her on. You know, on the table, on the floor, on top of a pile of illegal Dominicans. 3. Whips her hair around and blinds you just before you turn 26. 4. Dances with a dead guy in a wheelchair instead. 5. Shows you the inexpensive pig movie she made while in college. 6. Talks about how the rain forests have to be torched this weekend. 7. Insists upon calling you her queer in shining armor. 8. Orders a passionate nine-course dinner and takes it into the bathroom. 9. Cares more about her reflection than anything you have to breathe about. 10. Has your best friend drawn and quartered to keep you from watching sports. Auntie List #12 Ten problems with prison! 1. Most of the time the guy in the tower doesn't miss. 2. It's not so much that they rape you, but....well, that is it. 3. If your cell is haunted what can you do? 4. You'd like to take a shower, but there's dangerous naked black men everywhere. 5. Somebody always gets shived at the annual Christmas play. 6. You feel like a loser because you're only worth three boxes of Camels. 7. Everywhere you look you can't leave. 8. How am I supposed to live in a hole? My, this is terrible! 9. The end result of trick-or-treating in C-Block is just a bag full of bread slices and some shit on your face. 10. The guards keep beating you ever since they can. Auntie List #13 Ten bad things about moving! 1. All the lifting and heaving and panting, and that orgy deposit you have to pay. 2, You can only take a bath every nine weeks. 3. A podiatrist who keeps checking up your ass with a broken flashlight. 4. Those dirty pig cops have to understand that I own that park bench. 5. 99 Funkadelic Lane is still where the action ain't, unless Pipe Williams is there. 6. Some roaming fat bitch wanders in and cleans out the fridge and bathroom. 7. Whenever you use the stove your rent triples by seven. 8. Be wonderful and ask her if she'd like to lick your beater. 9. Everything was going great at the housewarming party until somebody kicked a jagged hole in the plastic Flintstones pool. 10. If my mother throws me out of the basement, I'll go right to the attic and hide. After that it's the garage, and then finally, the bushes. Auntie List #14 Ten movies that change if you change a few words in the title! 1. The Boy who could fly becomes: The Boy who fell to his death 2. Chicken Little becomes: Inexpensive dinner for some immigrants 3. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets becomes: Hairy Porker and the Chambermaid's Secrets 4. The Da Vinci Code becomes: Da Great Big Load of Bullshit 5. Apocalypse Now becomes: Apocalypse Later. Much later 6. Rear Window becomes: Window in the Rear 7. Sin City becomes: Hey, another movie based on a comic book. How fuckin' original. They should make more superhero movies, too. 133,000 identical films a year just aren't enough. And pirates suck. There, I've said it. Now you're free. 8. The Silence of the Lambs becomes: The Screaming of the farmer's Sheep on Saturday night 9. Batman Begins becomes: Batman Begins to get very boring 10. Stand By Me becomes: Stand By Me and hold my dick while I piss 11. Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit becomes: Wallace and Gromit vanish in the Nevada desert 12. Rosemary's Baby becomes: Planet of the Rapes Auntie List #15 Ten wonderful vacation spots for the Summer! 1. Madame Sonja's House of Romantic Therapy Sessions, Volume Two. 2. A restroom in New Mexico that smells like pepper and wombats. 3. One of those beaches where a killer shark is skinnyripping. 4. If she passes out, I'm sure that means help yourself. 5. Camden Yards, but only when the Orioles are on a road trip. 6. Viagra Falls, where everything flows up instead of down. 7. There's no time left to hide. That bounty hunter midget with a guilt-seeking flamethrower found out where I live. 8. The M&M factory on those special days when they put the letter "Q" on them instead. 9. A big yellow sign that keeps Green Lantern from killing us all. 10. An African safari that includes both Malaria and Ebola. Auntie List #16 Ten things you wouldn't expect a road map to say! 1. "You're lost, aren't you, you stupid fuck? Just like at work or in bed!" 2. "How the hell can't you follow me? What, too much masturbation make you blind? I hope so." 3. "Hey, pull over. I need to unfold really fuckin' bad." 4. "I'd like to boff a menu from a fancy restaurant. They're always laminated and never have any stains on them. 5. "If you got any Chronic, you can roll it in me. I wouldn't mind." 6. "When your wife's not looking, push me up against her tits." 7. "I lied, you know. About that last exit. We're now a good 700 miles away from anything, and no gas for you." 8. "Yeah, I could have grown up and become the Constitution, but who needs that shit." 9. "Sorry, but I'm just one of those posters that has all of the planets listed on it." 10. "I don't give a fuck about anything. Just drive into a wall." Auntie List #17 Ten things that usually aren't written in a high school yearbook! 1. "Either marry me or else my Dad and huge uncles will cut your dick in three." 2. "I only wear a trench coat in the park because it's colder there." 3. "Somebody help me. I can't get past 10th grade fractions." 4. "Give me back my kidney. You had no right to take it." 5. "I use mirrors near the ocean to distract mermaids from living their lives." 6. "In shop I sanded my fingerprints off so I could freely rob Mrs. Eckstein's house." 7. "Bad luck and die soon. I want your woman." 8. "That little fuckin' parakeet of yours got my dog pregnant again." 9. "How come Papa Smurf gets to wear red and all the other Smurfs have to wear white and shower together? Why don't they wear shirts? It's so too sexy for a kid's show." 10. "I've hated you for years, but never said anything because you gave me a ride and had money." Auntie List #18 Ten things you usually don't see on the evening news! 1. A train wreck where everyone is smiling and clapping and injured. 2. A thunderstorm that had more than one choice, and took it. 3. Lakes of fire and other footage from South Carolina. 4. The Mr. Rogers Nightmare Society. 5. Puff the Magic Dragon having a Pap smear. 6. Baby boomers fucking under foggy glass. 7. A tunnel that leads into the end credits of movies from the 1990's. 8. A police station being robbed by insecurity guards. 9. Many dimensions collapsing upon the Sun. 10. Porky Pig and Richard Simmons crying together. Auntie List # 19 Ten new facts about science and nature! 1. Antarctica was once a tropical paradise, but that ended when the show "Wings" came on the air. 2. Everyone is scared of giantly giant tortoises because their IQ's are like about somewhere around 606. 3. Trees like to date ferns just to help Charles Darwin out. 4. The Buffalo Bills lost all those Super Bowls because the other teams always outscored them. 5. The top of Mount Everest is the bottom of the ocean. 6. Eating too much candy makes you sick due to the high asinine count. Hey, why is my girlfriend in the backseat of that Camaro? 7. Foreplay is nothing more than an optical illusion. 8. Money is always a good start, and a better finish. 9. The Vikings knew everything but never got around to telling anyone. 10. If a butler mates with a maid their offspring will be Blade. Auntie List # 20 Ten things you didn't know about Native Americans! 1. They're actually the ones who broke all the treaties, and they also invented time-shares. 2. They stole this country from the Turks, who stole it from the Kryptonians. 3. Two Moon Nuts and his fifty wives invited me to dinner next Thursday. 4. The Great Spirit now lives in the sacred land known as Foxwoods, and he's doubling down. 5. That guy in that Jack Nicholson movie. You know, he was really tall? 6. The U.S. government has agreed to return Death Valley and some of those leper islands. At an unreasonable price, of course, and only then for a couple of hours. 7. Somebody tomahawk Ann Coulter, or at least catapult her into space. 8. There was beer all over the place, and Lewis and Clark drank it and discovered themselves. 9. Raggedy Andy was a war chief who claimed 53 Disney character scalps. 10. Once you smoke the peace pipe you can climb into the clouds and go happy hunting. | Return Home | Auntie Lists #1-10 | Auntie Lists#11-20 | Auntie Lists#21-30 | Auntie Lists#31-40 | Latest Auntie Lists! | Auntie Lists#41-50 | Auntie Lists#51-60 | Auntie Lists#61-70 | Auntie Lists# 71-80 | Auntie List Items | Links Page | Hot Buttered Midgets | Auntie Lists# 81-90 | Ugly Bernard | Auntie Lists# 91-101 | Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 | The Bogus News! | Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book | Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book | |
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