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AUNTIE LIST #11 Ten things most people don't know! 1. The Portland Trailblazers and the Houston Astros are one and the same, but only after midnight. 2. It's best to get to Miss Piggy while she's still wet and restless. 3. Your girlfriend is in bed with me right now, and a midget is ringing the doorbell over and over again. 4. People with greasy eyes shouldn't drive or talk about banks. 5. Falling asleep on the job is rather heroic. 6. There's a new doll out called "Tickle-my-asshole." 7. Jumbo Shrimp are nothing compared to Jumbo Tits. 8. The reason why grandma smells is because the bitch never takes a shower or even looks at soap. 9. If you do drugs during Greenwich Mean Time you'll turn into a sissy fuck fairy. 10. Go up to a cop and ask him why his cock is on his face. AUNTIE LIST #12 Ten words and their real meanings! 1. Word: Levitation Real meaning: A chick whose vagina is known as "The Grand Canyon." 2. Word: Bracket Real meaning: A long line of sorrowful clowns who are being executed for making too many balloon animals. 3. Word: Potential Real meaning: When you get kicked in the face and no one is around to care. 4. Word: Mosquito Real meaning: A garage door that acts like a fuck every Easter. 5. Word: Quart Real meaning: Anything dirty that looks like ketchup. 6. Word: Testify Real meaning: A chuckling retard who can't tell the difference between elephants and clouds. 7. Word: Junction Real meaning: A whole plate of cracker yummies made just for you, but maybe it's gunpowder. 8. Word: Cynical Real meaning: A bag of weed that knows where you can get better, more wild drugs. 9. Word: Fancy Real meaning: A dwarf who can just will himself into women's pants, as well as inside ATM machines. 10. Word: Debate Real meaning: The soft chewy center of a brick. AUNTIE LIST #13 Ten wishes you could make for your birthday! You could wish for.... 1. E.T. to have his nuts pulled off and then in by a gremlin. 2. A new respiratory disease called "The Wenting Cough." 3. A nice pile of hamburgers that jiggle and hum. 4. The next thing that happens probably. 5. 129 excuses so good that no one will ever fuckin' doubt you again. 6. A football that helps you float near Chicago. 7. An all-butter cake and the fat men who bring it. 8. Gloves that cause your hands to swell up so much that nobody accepts your phone calls anymore. 9. The other day I caught my dog taking a shit in the backyard. 10. A starfish that would like you to pull its arms off so that it can grow bigger German ones. AUNTIE LIST #14 Ten ways to make yourself very popular! 1. Give away all your money and then scream "Oh, fuck nooooo!!" 2. Haunt people into slitting their wrists correctly. 3. Tell the plumber he's super even though he clearly isn't. 4. Enter a fishing contest and dynamite the other boats. 5. Oil up a staircase so that everyone comes gliding down. 6. Chili attacks the tongue first, then the intestines. 7. Catch leprosy and just lay on top of the fuckin' picnic table squirting disease. 8. Take your neighbor's cat for a walk all the way down to the pound. 9. Always be ashamed of your body. I know I am. 10. A homosexual bully who threatens to suck your dick if you don't do what he says. AUNTIE LIST #15 Ten lovely and sweet Valentine's Day gifts! 1. An empty beer can lying in the snow. 2. A heart-shaped box containing real hearts, and they're still beating. 3. A vacuum cleaner wearing lipstick and Vaseline. 4. The Lincoln Memorial is filled with Nazi gold. 5. A backpack that can also be a diaper, if that is what you wish. 6. A vampire dating a werewolf? This spells trouble. 7. A Nuns-gone-wild videotape that is suspiciously sticky. 8. Have you ever watched baboons fucking? They'll do it right in front of you for free. 9. A bird's nest made from most of your hair and one testicle. 10. Donkey Kong's hands, which help fight erectile dysfunction. AUNTIE LIST #16 Ten things that might happen someday! 1. You get trapped in a cave with Yogi Bear and he tells you that sooner or later he's going to need food and sex. 2. A pink butler makes slurping noises as he opens up a can of creamed corn. 3. Somebody keeps jamming Q-tips into their ears until the blessed silence comes. 4. There's a fire in Julio's pants and only you can put it out. 5. You continually tell the pizza delivery guy to fuck off but he doesn't trust you. 6. Most of your family becomes sand. 7. You go out on a date with yourself and get butt-raped. 8. A swollen truck has lots of baby cars, which is supposed to be medically impossible. 9. "I want a new taco. This one won't stop masturbating." 10. An archaeologist finds some ancient racism under a rock. AUNTIE LIST #17 Ten ancient and mystical secrets! 1. The Pyramids point directly at the Statue of Liberty's tits. 2. The Great Wall of China was built to keep the Mexicans out. 3. eBay: The buying of other people's crap. 4. Nostradamus correctly predicted all the times he visited prostitutes. 5. Stonehenge is just some Play-Doh that got hard after God left it out one black and steamy night. 6. The Garden of Eden is now a dump for the city of Toledo, Ohio. 7. Noah said he'd rather be fucky than wood. 8. A $20 dollar bill makes Superman go away. 9. Atlantis is a nice place that is imaginary, just like Bigfoot and world peace. 10. Every time Charlie Brown gets excited his bald head starts throbbing. AUNTIE LIST #18 Ten things to ponder! 1. No matter how fast a midget runs he never gets anywhere. 2. Fencing is meant only for sissies and old men who wear long gushing robes. 3. Pissing in a bottle always forces the genie who lives in it to come out and fuckin' stare at you. 4. Bobby opened the door, and there found a pile of corpses. He was about to run, when he thought "This is so cool." 5. Who would win in a fight: The Golden Girls, or the Cemetery Club? Maybe the only true winner would be death. 6. Sometimes, when you burn your mouth on a hot burrito, it's your cousin's fault, not yours. 7. Dinosaurs died out to make way for dirty movies on Cinemax . 8. All those circles under your eyes mean you're turning into a tree. 9. Take a flashlight with you to bed and wait for the magic to happen. 10. If Punxsutawney Phil goes blind, it'll be winter forever. AUNTIE LIST #19 Ten things I may have seen! I may have seen.... 1. Alex Trebek strangling Pat Sajak, and then, he absorbed him. 2. The words "Strong Sexual Content" on the front door of a kindergarten school. 3. A chick putting fresh batteries in her vibrator right there in the store. 4. A big juicy letter dripping with enthusiasm. At least I think it's enthusiasm. 5. The Cookie Monster tried to rub cocaine on his gums, but he doesn't have gums, and then he just started fuckin' screaming. 6. A stranger is just a friend who hasn't molested you yet. 7. Don't let the Incredible Hulk give you a neck message. He'll snap it and then go "Duh dumb duh fuck me unlysmart." 8. Five people to a sleeping bag is disgusting, unless it's one man and seven women. 9. The Grinch injecting something into his big toe, and then he smiled really widely. 10. I hope aliens land here on Earth. That way, we can quickly enslave them and then probe them up the ass for all eternity to get revenge. AUNTIE LIST #20 Ten things you usually don't see in a high school! 1. An ecstatic teacher who likes to shove microscopes down his pants during PTA meetings. 2. A tollbooth inside every bathroom. 3. 500 real lead pencils for each person, so start fuckin' eating. 4. A nerd who is emotionally dead. 5. A principal whose middle name is "Dildo." 6. The internal organs of the Coke machine spilled all over the cafeteria floor. 7. A blackboard with huge luscious lips. 8. A hairy cheerleader grunting in a corner. 9. A smiling jogger who has knives for eyes. 10. The slapping of a fish against your legs. | Return Home | Auntie Lists #1-10 | Auntie Lists#11-20 | Auntie Lists#21-30 | Auntie Lists#31-40 | Latest Auntie Lists! | Auntie Lists#41-50 | Auntie Lists#51-60 | Auntie Lists#61-70 | Auntie Lists# 71-80 | Auntie List Items | Links Page | Hot Buttered Midgets | Auntie Lists# 81-90 | Ugly Bernard | Auntie Lists# 91-101 | Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 | The Bogus News! | Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book | Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book | |
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