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Ten things you can do to make yourself a better person! 1. Give a pregnant woman the number of a good abortion clinic next to a crack house in a National Park on Christmas morning. 2. Make up tremendous lies that will tear a young Wyoming couple apart. 3. Shotgun every endangered animal you see with a rifle. 4. Bring Jason back to life just as camping season begins. 5. Wear a fake beard and wrap a towel around your head and start screaming at an airport.* 6. Some people are hungry like the wolf. Well, I'm hungry like the sloth. 7. Corpses don't need their jewelry anymore, so help yourself, and cut the finger off if you have to. 8. Walk into a classroom and tell the kids that their 74-year old teacher bangs like a drum. 9. Stand outside the walls of a prison and continuously play a record which says "I'm free and you're not, I'm free and you're not. Taste it, taste it, taste it." 10. Lucky charms don't work, because I was holding a four-leafed rabbit's foot and I got fired anyway. *Doing this will get you shot immediately by airport security, so I double-dare you. Auntie List #2 Ten things a parent probably doesn't want to see written on their child's report card! 1. "Wow! So fuckin' stupid!" 2. "Lenny's been igniting other children. I'm calling the police." 3. "Rocky Balboa gets hit in the face a lot because his defense is terrible, if not non-existent." 4. "She showed her tiny tits to the blackboard. There's no punishment or comeback for that. They were bigger than mine." 5. "That bag lady is getting closer and closer to my house." 6. "Is your husband having an affair? Because that would explain his constant presence in the teacher's lounge during lunch." 7. "Weeeee....bin putting' it...ready for somethin'.........fuckin' bastard!" 8. "There's absolutely no proof that smoking causes cancer, unless you're going to count all those deaths, and those smokers on respirators, struggling for oxygen and life." 9. "Jenny is a bright student, but she keeps sending her specter to torment me. It can't go on this way." 10. "Stephen has shown an unusual ability to control people with his mind. The other day the Principal hanged himself, telling Stephen that it was all for him." Auntie List #3 Ten signs of global warming! 1. Another hurricane? Well, okay. I guess we didn't need Florida anymore anyway. 2. The makers of Budweiser meet late at night to plot. 3. Everything melts in your mouth now. 4. All Hooters restaurants should be deemed national landmarks. 5. A heat stroke becomes the most popular wedding present for June brides. 6. Jim goes to the office and fondles himself under his desk. 7. Cucumbers start coming out rectangular and ducks love it. 8. That mission to Mars gets lost and crashes into the White House, finding millions of barrels of oil but no sign of intelligent life. 9. George and Jane Jetson continue on in their loveless future marriage. 10. I play tennis at the US Open and get absolutely fuckin' killed in the first round. Auntie List #4 Ten things you can do to spice up your love life! 1. I don't know, really. I mean...just try to fuck gooder, I guess. 2. Tie a tube sock around a dick and yell like an Indian. 3. Don't blindfold yourselves. You might wind up doing the wrong person, or a laundry basket or something. 4. Try it standing up with a TV taped to your back. 5. Somewhere in the world, a farmer is always milking a cow. 6. Force grumpy midgets to play strip poker and then cheat to get them nude. 7. Whipped cream? Did you say whipped cream?! You unwholesome bitch! 8. Put 'em on the glass and then put 'em on your ass and then put 'em in the dishwasher because they'll be dirty. 9. "Oh, shucks! The batteries died, sweetie!" 10. Professor Winky Finkle-Dinkle has his own brand of interesting birth control. Auntie List #5 Ten things you wouldn't expect to see at Microsoft headquarters! 1. One exhausted robot doing all the work. 2. The kings of Enron being crowned as champions. 3. A screen door that has been kicked in by a rented mule. 4. Bill Gates rising from his golden coffin. 5. Row after row of Terminators that haven't been activated yet. 6. The World Wildlife Fund gets caught trying to buy enriched uranium. 7. The great mass graveyard of hideous NBC shows, and while I'm at it, FOX and ABC, too. 8. Dan Aykroyd can also cast out demons. 9. A long dark road that leads into black nothingness. 10. A couple of computer geeks chained to the leg of Steve Jobs. Auntie List #6 Ten fun things you can do for the Fourth of July! 1. Settle that silly little feud you've been having with your neighbor by quietly leaving the gas on in his house. 2. Get totally fuckin' plastered and knock over the table that had the sturdy paper plates on it. 3. "As Tom Jones said, sex me slow, baby." 4. Run off with some joyful dogs and never come back. 5. Look into a doll's eyes. They're alive, I'm telling you. Barbie wants to fuck. 6. Launch Roman Candles and Cherry Bombs at the cops and start something that really gets out of hand. 7. Visibly coerce everyone you know into taking a dump on the front seat of a hated person's car. 8. "Listen up, people. The cook-out is over. The burgers turned out to be West Nile burgers. Don't that suck?" 9. I don't blame chicks for wanting to do me on the beach. It's their Constitutional right as American airheads. 10. ALL AUNTIE LISTS AND NO PLAY MAKES VIN DOCTOR A DULL BOY. ALL AUNTIE LISTS AND NO PLAY MAKES VIN DOCTOR A DULL BOY. ALL AUNTIE LISTS AND NO PLAY MAKES VIN DOCTOR A DULL BOY...... Wendy! Gimme the bat! GIMME THE FUCKIN' BAT! Auntie List #7 Ten acts you can do for a talent show! 1. Some type of underwater gyrating thing. People love shit like that. 2. Titty-twist until the fuckin' nipple rips screamingly off. 3. Try to figure out what kind of person Slimer was while he was alive. A bald green legless fat fuck mental patient, I assume. 4. I shouldn't be talking to you. My mother could walk in any minute. 5. Go next to a window and tongue a lamb all the way across. 6. Sell lemonade for $22 dollars a sip. 7. Sign language to the hot chick in the first row that a groundhog predicted a six-week screw-a-thon for her. 8. George Washington was made of wood and swelled up quite a bit whenever he lied or got wet. 9. Take a heavy shower while guys on motorcycles watch and rev. 10. Twelve Steps later and Orko was still a drunk, sharing his body and bed with Beastman. Auntie List #8 Ten things that happened to our favorite nursery rhymes/fairy tale characters after their stories ended! 1. Red Riding Hood: Married a lawyer from Chicago and cheats on him so much. 2. Cinderella: Chained up in the Seven Dwarfs punishment cellar along with Snow White and Lara Croft. 3. Pinocchio: Can anyone say "sex change operation?" 4. Goldilocks: Breaks into apartments to pay for drugs. 5. Mother Goose: Shoved into a nursing home and shares a piss-scented room with Old Mother Hubbard. 6. Emmanuel Lewis: Still not growing. 7. Humpty Dumpty: Chased by a group of teenagers and BB-gunned apart. 8. Papa Smurf: Currently stuffed and on display in the Egyptian wing of the British Natural History Museum. 9. Peter Pan: Loves cock. 10. Fat Albert: Buried somewhere in a piano box. Auntie List #9 Ten things you don't see very often! 1. A minister speaking holy jive at a funeral service for the Metric System. 2. A special day that has three midnights. 3. God is jealous of our nuclear weapons. 4. A boxing promoter who can count to 85. 5. A sewer worker who got trapped down there and grew to an enormous size "down there." 6. An alarm clock that looks you over while you nap and gets in a smile every now and then. 7. A pee-wee football game that is so dangerous that all the spectators have to be arrested. 8. "Sexual harassment" is a pretty funny word. I wish she'd stop using it in court. 9. A bra that calls to you and tells you to come get its goodies. 10. A fan that was exposed to radioactive waste and now it can blow over buildings and forgive sins of the flesh. Auntie List #10 Ten things that happened to our favorite movie monsters after their careers came to an end! 1. Wolfman: Committed a boring silver-eating suicide on a moonless night after buying the wrong type of yacht. 2. Dracula: Turned back into a human but kept on sucking anyway. 3. The Mummy: Got used as toilet paper too much and eventually unraveled both physically and mentally, leading to a killing spree which finally ended only after 806 people lost their retirement funds. 4. Godzilla: Took a Japanese rocket to the crotch and hasn't been the same ever since. 5. Betty Boop: Spoiled me so bad one night that now I can't even look at another cartoon woman. 6. The Invisible Man: I don't know. Nobody's seen the asshole since he got out on bail. 7. Frankenstein's Monster: Lost his battle with glue addiction and met Barbara Walters in Hell. 8. Cameron Diaz: Went back to making those movies where she leads a guy around on a leash. 9. The Creature from the Black Lagoon: Led the Kansas City Royals to a magical 74-88 season. 10. Satan: Sorry. 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