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AUNTIE LIST #1 Ten New Year's resolutions you could make! You could resolve to.... 1. Throw a knife at the mailwoman because she doesn't pay enough erotic NC-17 attention to you. 2. Gain so much weight that you need a second and third stomach. 3. Play with yourself every day until it's broken. 4. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and pretend to be a big talking worm. 5. Fuck your best friend's sister because you need it in the worst way. 6. Quit your job and move into the subway. 7. Be a better, more productive hatemonger. 8. Drink a bottle of Windex just to see what happens. 9. Feed homeless people....to each other. 10. Molest a fire hydrant and then say you didn't, at least not yet. AUNTIE LIST #2 Ten things you usually won't see on the lawn of the White House! 1. Dick Cheney pulling John Edwards' heart out and using it for a while. 2. Congress being enslaved by a powerful new alien race. 3. Everyone in the world multipled by 60. 4. Princess Leia sucking Jabba the Hutt's cock like it was the last popsicle in the desert. 5. President Bush filming an x-rated movie with Al Sharpton and some Munchkins who escaped from death row. 6. A statue of Josef Stalin forever rising out of the ground. 7. Bill Murray planting dynamite everywhere while the Secret Service takes a cigarette break. 8. The First Lady declaring war on Europe and Mars. 9. Gay marriage after gay marriage after gay marriage. 10. Bill Cosby rolling up a fat one for Snoop Doggy Dogg. AUNTIE LIST #3 Ten things you wouldn't expect the Pope to say! 1. "Hey, everybody! Try atheism! I did, and look where I am today!" 2. "He-Man sure has a beautiful body. He must work out like 6 or 7 hours a day." 3. "Turn that TV back on! I told you never to bother me while I'm having my Playboy time!" 4. "It's a good thing that most people are going to hell. God told me the other day that heaven is already almost full." 5. "The bible? You don't really believe in that comic book bullshit, do you?" 6. "If only Jennifer Lopez would sit on my face, I'd bless her a thousand times." 7. "I met the Antichrist last night, and he made a lot of sense to me. In fact, we have a deal." 8. "I'll bet you didn't know this, but I can throw a baseball like 400 miles an hour." 9. "Tell your wife to just take it in the ass and shut up." 10. "My sexual fantasy is to have a crowd of Mexican hookers swarm all over me." AUNTIE LIST #4 Ten things you wouldn't expect the President to say! 1. "If anyone wants me I'll be in the Oral Office getting a happy ending from a naked piano teacher named Champagne." 2. "China is right: There is no God." 3. "Some little girl just called me "The Grinch who stole the White House." 4. "I hope Michael Moore gets eaten by some zombies. I hate him very much." 5. "Fuck my dick and call it ice cream." 6. "Just remember one thing: Jesus Christ is a Republican, and Bill Clinton is the Devil." 7. "I polish my entire body every night before I put on my leather pajamas." 8. "I just had Willy Wonka hanged for the crime of witchcraft. It was probably the right thing to do." 9. "Somebody call the CIA. I ate all the soap in the bathroom again." 10. "We have to leave Washington immediately. Ross Perot is on his way over here, and he's riding Godzilla." AUNTIE LIST #5 Ten things you don't usually see! 1. Garfield and Heathcliff fucking each other right there on the Business Section of the New York Times. 2. A sock that goes all the way up to your neck. 3. The state of Nebraska walking around. 4. An oak tree that is clearly homosexual. 5. A street mime who won't shut the fuck up. 6. A group of 5th graders having their own little Cuban Missile Crisis, but this time no one's going to back down. 7. Cookie Monster in bed with the finest women of Brazil. 8. A knife fight between two robot priests and 13 flying nuns. 9. A conga line that goes right into an active volcano. 10. A new type of flesh ice cream that everyone has to try, or else you're banished to Lithuania. AUNTIE LIST #6 Ten pick-up lines a guy should probably not use! 1. "If you come home with me I'll let you blow my dog, too." 2. "The backseat of my car is right outside." 3. "You've got giant tits, and that's special." 4. "Hey, pig. Wanna' make my sausage squeal?" 5. "My plane leaves in 15 minutes, so hurry up and bend over." 6. "Are you a chick or a guy? It's dark in here." 7. "We could make a video if you like. I have all the equipment. All the equipment." 8. "How do you know you don't like me if you've never even tried me?" 9. "Your mother called. She said for us to go to the motel across the street and wait for her there. I'll go get some rubbers." 10. "I can't afford a hooker, so I guess you'll have to do." AUNTIE LIST #7 Ten things you probably won't see on TV! 1. Donald Rumsfeld quietly loading up the trunk of his Honda with stolen tank armor. 2. Bert fucking Ernie all the way to death on Sesame Street. 3. Oprah Winfrey getting a tattoo of Geraldo Rivera on her forehead. 4. The Powerpuff Girls having a lesbian slumber party. 5. Harry Potter being tortured and burned for practicing witchcraft and sodomy. 6. The Playboy Channel and HBO merge and become the Orgasm Channel. 7. The Wiggles accidentally kill 9 people on one of their shows and try to blame it on Nature. 8. Lifetime: Television for Women gets struck by lightning and turns into a documentary about the mating habits of Smurfs. 9. MTV actually plays a song that isn't some bad reality show. 10. A Democrat winning at anything. AUNTIE LIST #8 Ten great gift ideas for a guy on Valentine's Day! You could get her... 1. A picture of you in bed with all of her life-sized friends. 2. That divorce you've been wanting for a long time. 3. Some melted chocolate that isn't really chocolate. 4. Locked up in a Swedish prison forever. 5. A subscription to Pop-up Hustler Magazine. 6. A porno belt that needs 10 AA batteries to work. 7. A vacuum cleaner autographed by Pee-Wee Herman and the Cookie Monster 8. A string of pearls that came with all your love from a box of Crackerjacks. 9. A hammer and 55 pennies. 10. A lusty maid who has sex interests. AUNTIE LIST #9 Ten signs that let you know you're sick! 1. Every time you smile you taste blood. 2. Hollow screaming sounds keep coming from your asshole. 3. Nobody wants to be around you anymore because you're dying. 4. Your neck is all broken and violently snapped. 5. Piss comes out of your fingertips. 6. Forget about ever eating again. 7. The computer tells you that a fly got into the pod with you that first time you went through, and now your dick has fallen off. 8. Whenever the wind blows another rib breaks. 9. The Cat in the Hat tries to have you euthanized. 10. Poor little teeth, all in the sink. AUNTIE LIST #10 Ten ways to avoid getting your girlfriend pregnant! 1. Just when you're about to come, flip her over. 2. Use her slutty cousin Susan as a sperm shield. 3. Empty your balls before you get into bed. 4. Wear 690 rubbers and screw her from across the room. 5, Keep reminding her to not get knocked up. 6. You can't impregnate your hand. You can't. 7. Take dancing lessons and do the instructor in the closet. 8. Punch her in the stomach every 15 or 20 minutes. 9. Make sure your dog is always in the bedroom. That way, you'll be too frightened and ashamed to try anything. 10. There's more than one orifice on a woman's body, especially if she's an alien or a monster. | Return Home | Auntie Lists #1-10 | Auntie Lists#11-20 | Auntie Lists#21-30 | Auntie Lists#31-40 | Latest Auntie Lists! | Auntie Lists#41-50 | Auntie Lists#51-60 | Auntie Lists#61-70 | Auntie Lists# 71-80 | Auntie List Items | Links Page | Hot Buttered Midgets | Auntie Lists# 81-90 | Ugly Bernard | Auntie Lists# 91-101 | Book #1 - Archive of Auntie Lists #'s 1-101 | The Bogus News! | Auntie Lists #1-10 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #11-20 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #21-30 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #31-40 -For Second Book | Auntie Lists #41-50 - For Second Book | Auntie Lists #51-60 - For Second Book | |
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